Myrtle Beach, SC / Waccamaw Times - In a potentially tragic spinoff to what had been real life success, a failed home invasion is now the talk of this golfing/retirement community when real life pirates attempted a bizarre robbery/kidnap plot at the home of Spoof Writer Morse.
Due to unprecedented publicity over the multi chapter Pirate Story, "Below Decks", appearing in the Magazine Section of TheSpoof.com, the home invaders, 5 Illegal Somali Pirates, assumed incorrectly that there would be "booty aplenty" to be pillaged at the shy, retiring writer's home, guarded only by a gentle golden retriever, "Fang", the Wonder Dog.
Despite tales of wealth aplenty spread by enthusiastic PR Mavens Skoob, and the conjoined Pissgums twins, proposed film, DVD, paperback rights and John Madden Video games, have not yet yielded a farthing.
Undeterred, Mrs. Morse went on a shopping spree, which evidently drew the attention of some neighborhood neer do wells, as if the money was already in the bank, provided they could find one that was solvent.
It was a cold, dark and dreary night when the 5 "bilge rats" decided to strike, armed with dirks, short swords and belaying pins.
Awakened during the mid watch by a soft whine, and nervous thump of "Fang's" well plumed tail, Morse quickly arose from his captain's quarters, buckled on his weapons belt, and crept stealthily to intercept the interlopers.
Followed silently by "Fang", now on full alert in anticipation of fresh meat,
Morse confronted the scum gathered in the ship's Media Room, adjacent to the Morning Room, and slightly behind the Carolina Room, which was next to the Master Loo and Mrs. Morse's 24x24 Master Closet where she stored her booty, including 24 pair of white crop Pirate Maiden Pants she took on cruises.
"Awast you Scum," cried Morse, only to be met with the swish of sword blades and a flying belaying pin which narrowly missed his naval top knot.
Fang flew forward, grabbing one felon by the balls, knocking him back into another.
Quick as a flash, Morse took advantage of the confusion and drew his weapon. The combination strobe and lazer on his 17 round FN 9mm pistol, soon got everyone's attention, including the Eunuch that had quickly been released by Fang, who really preferred tennis balls, but was not above providing home defense techniques when commanded.
Responding to a 911 call from neighbors who had heard a ball wrenching scream, the buggers were soon cuffed and off to the Georgetown Country Brig,thanks to the local Sheriff Department.
After signing a round of autographs for law enforcement, and neighbors who didn't have internet service and were unaware of Morse's notoriety until the fracas, Mr. and Mrs. Morse had a discussion wherein she promised to return all her new purchases until such time as the first residual check arrived.
Under the circumstances, since he had just saved the families jewels, Morse decided to keep the Bentley Arnage, in case continued publicity forced the pair, and Fang, to have to leave town suddenly.
Morse credited his gunners' mates, the Pissgums, with saving the night.
"Buck always told me, never bring a knife to a gun fight," he said, "and those friggin Pirates never had a chance. Dumb Fuckers!"