After decades of safety and calm, the Eastern seaboard of America was attacked again today by a massive killing monster with huge teeth, striking fear into all New Englanders - yes, Kate Winslet was back.
Many Americans had thought that film director Steven Spielberg had killed off this dangerous predator, by destroying it in a sinking ship, but incredibly the Great White Winslet survived and returned this week to attack North America again.
'We didn't know what to do', said one local policeman, 'there was the Winslet, or Jaws as we call it, shrieking and gushing and terrifying Americans with its enormous teeth, and we had no choice but to run to the nearest donut stand for help.'
'And after that it was terrible, actors and directors were losing tears at a dreadful rate, we simply couldn't cope. So then we had no choice but to use emergency measures to stop the the Great White Winslet from massacring any more people, so we called up the SLUMDOGS to deal with the problem.'
The SLUMDOGS are an American secret security agency, one that pretends to be foreigners in Asia but actually combats monsters that swim across the Atlantic to wreak havoc on the USA. Their appearance on TV news will also take attention away from the fact that Americans haven't made a decent movie since the 1970s, and that all half-decent American films are just remakes of British and French ones.
'The SLUMDOGS will allay any fears the public may have, though we may have to feed the monster a few men painted in gold paint to calm it down a bit', the policeman said, though it's been rumored that the Great White can inflict unpleasant Boyles on people that get too close to it. 'The Boyles are largely harmless', he added, 'and usually only result in nausea.'
David Attenborough was seen swimming back to England at the news.