Written by Ky'Phur
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Topics: Earth, Star Trek

Sunday, 20 June 2004

image for Klingon Empire Announces Hostile Takeover of Paramount Pictures
Klingon Trifoil

The Klingon High Council announced its plans for a hostile takeover of Paramount Pictures, the Earth company which owns the hugely successful "Star Trek" franchise.

As Wall Street reacted to this news, the Klingon strategy became apparent. Instead of attempting a hostile buy-out, they have attacked Paramount's Parent Company Viacom Entertainment. Sumner M. Redstone, Viacom CEO, released the following statement from his secret bunker.

"Paramount is an important part of Viacom's long term goals and we will not hand it over to anyone who blows our doors open with a disruptor! We have contacted our lawyers and they have assured us that we will prevail."

Viacom's lawyers are expected to file Cease and Desist orders in Federal Court within the next 48 hours claiming that since Paramount (and therefore Viacom) own the rights to Star Trek and everything even slightly related, the Klingon Empire is in violation of their rights under US copyright law. They will be seeking unspecified damages and might even try to shut down the Klingon Government.

When presented with this news, the Commander of the Klingon Assault Force responded, "Lawyers have no honor. If Viacom wants us to stop they will hand over Paramount."

In response the Klingon Ambassador released this statement. "Klingons would rather die on our feet than be represented as living on our knees as Paramount has portrayed. We have sat by and watched long enough. Paramount abuses the Star Trek fans, rewrites history at the drop of a hat and then refuses to explain the problems they create. Our assault of Viacom and liberation of Paramount is the official response of the Klingon Empire to its citizens living on Earth who have requested that something be done about Paramount's Borg-like tactics. We will not allow this behavior to continue. If you are employed by Viacom or one of their companies then you are considered an enemy of the Empire and will be dealt with in kind."

Reporting from Klingon Assault Force Command Ship in Earth orbit, Ky'Phur Or'Lo…

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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