Written by Madame Bitters
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Thursday, 19 February 2009

image for New Book, "Screw Mars and Venus: Men and Women are from Uranus" is a Best-Seller
Some of the greatest books ever published. The book featured in this story isn't among them.

Possum Creek, AL- The publishing world and authors of self-help books alike have been turned on their respective ears by the new number one best-selling non-fiction book in the nation, Screw Mars and Venus: Men and Women are from Uranus.

The unlikely author of this self-help book is Leland "Blackie" Blackheart, a former rock quarry worker who is currently on disability.

When Blackheart, who is a high school drop out, was asked what made him qualified to give romantic advice he gave a startling answer.

"Well," said Blackheart as he leaned back in his lawnchair and worked a pinch of chewing tobacco between his cheek and gum, "it's like this. Y'see, I've always had a knack at gettin' the ladies.

"I been married four times and have had a bunch of girlfriends, usually when I was married at the time. You tell me that don't take some talent."

Blackheart continues, "Hell, I got everyone from twelve year old boys to seventy year old men, and everyone in between, askin' me how I do it; what my secret is." He spits a stream of tobacco juice into a Mountain Dew can that's sitting in his lap.

"So, I figgured 'why not write all this down, so I don't gotta keep repeatin' myself.'

"Now, readin' and writin' was never my thing, so I got one of my girlfriends to write it up for me. Missy's real smart; she went to beauty school. Then we went to the library, made a bunch of copies and sold them for $15.00 each."

One of the buyers, Wade Munson, was so happy with the results following Blackheart's advice gave him he told his brother-in-law, who owns a small a small printing company, all about it

Blackheart's "book" was printed up and before long a major publishing house in New York City, Backdoor Press, took notice and jumped at the opportunity to buy Blackheart's book.

Peter Smalls, president of Backdoor Press, was excited to publish Blackheart's book. "Well, when Backdoor [Press] got a hold of the book we knew we had something...unique. The spelling, grammer and pretty much everything else was pretty rough, but we knew we had something ground-breaking."

Blackheart's original "book" was really more of a list.

"When we first got it [the book], it was only five pages long. It needed more content," said Molly Cloris, head editor of Backdoor Press.

"I put some of my best ghostwriters on the job and they filled out Blackheart's book to 250 pages." The finished product was, Screw Mars and Venus: Men and Women are from Uranus

With the kind permission from the author and publisher, I've included some excerpts from Screw Mars and Venus: Men and Women are From Uranus:

*When you and your woman are at Dairy Queen, make sure you order for her. Women don't know what they want, ever. They'll thank you, probably with a blow job.

*Treat your woman like a queen when you first meet her. Then, after you're sure you've got her, stop being so nice. You don't want to spoil her.

*Women like a man who can be a gentleman. Offer to pay for her burger. Open doors for her. Offer to undo your own cutoffs

*When your woman has her 'lady days' and she starts crying about something tell her, 'You look fat when you cry' so she'll stop. If she won't stop, go out for a beer with your buddies to give her some alone time.

*Women, if you want to get a man, tell him you think he's the most handsome, studly and smartest man in the world as soon as you meet him. Then take him back to your trailer, put your kids outside and then lay it on him.

This unorthodox self-help book on relationships has taken the book-buying public by storm but it has many critics, many of whom are experts who specailize relationships.

Dr. Winston Claptrap is one expert of many who is decrying Blackheart's book. He has this to say about about it:

"Mr. Blackheart is an unemployeed former quarry worker with an eighth grade education. He's been divorced four times, with his last failed marriage ending in his attempted murder.

"He is suspected of fathering as many as eleven children but refuses to acknowledge or care for any of them."

Dr. Claptrap goes on to say, "Leland Blackheart is the last, last person to give advice on relationships- or anything else for that matter."

Mr. Blackheart doesn't take any of this crtisism seriously. "Look, I know what works and I'm rakin' in the money hand over fist," he says.

"And besides, I had two girls last night. At the same time and without havin' to pay for 'em. Why don't you ask them doctors when the last time they got some was?"

The doctors only said "no comment."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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