Written by Ryan Durham
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Monday, 11 February 2002

Bel Air, California - Although initially reported to be due to a UPS shipping mishap, eyewitness testimony claim that actress Whoopi Goldberg's Oscar simply tried to escape in order to rejoin the trophy's "real" winner, Annette Benning.

Didier Frontenac, hair salon owner and neighbor of Goldberg, reports to have seen a visibly distraught statuette wandering the streets of their Bel Air neighborhood last week.

Frontenac, who made an attempt to intercept the Oscar, ended up allowing the "little golden man" to flee.

"He just doesn't want to spend the rest of his life being associated with that 'steaming hunk of pony loaf', known as "Ghost", relates the Frenchman. "You know, my heart really goes out to him. All he wants is to do is find his way to Annette Benning's place, who he believes should have won the Best Supporting Actress award back in '91."

Tito "Papi" Machado, Goldberg's gardener, claims that this last escape attempt is "far from being the first time." In fact, the El Salvador native admits to having thwarted at least a dozen previous tries going all the back to '92.

"Oh yeah, that little dude is a real tough son of a bitch. I've found him hiding in the bed of my truck, in my toolbox, all over the place. Once I fished him out of the bottom of the friggin' pool. I guess the little guy was so depressed that he tried to off himself. Sometimes I wonder if we should let him go."

Despite his apparent empathy with the world famous Hollywood symbol, Machado is, in fact, the sole reason why Oscar is safely back on Goldberg's mantel. "Yeah, I was driving to work and I passed by the bus stop on Whoopi's street, and sure enough, there was little O' waiting for the number 47. I almost just kept driving but ended up taking him home, although I'm not really sure if 'home' is really the right word."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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