London - Pop star Madonna held a press conference today in which she revealed that she is actually a Hasidic rabbi.
Madonna, 45, who was born Italian and Catholic, shocked the Entertainment world when she revealed that, because she is Madonna, she can actually change her age, gender, religion, and cultural heritage at will. This icon of the Not-Terribly-Good Club has also announced that she is changing her name to Esther, which apparently is Hebrew for "disgustingly awful, untalented swamp witch." However, Madonna told reporters that she has magical powers that allow her to make reality anything she wants it to be.
"Some of this was no surprise," said Teen Spot columnist Ditsy Braneded, "like when she mysteriously picked up an English accent as soon as she set foot on English soil. However, it's also educational. Who would have thought that learning to pronounce Kabballah in a book on New Age occultism actually could make one a Hasidic rabbi?"
Kabballah, an ancient and secret form of Jewish mysticism, is traditionally passed in oral teachings handed down by a rabbi. The laws of this ancient mysticism are very strict. Females are usually barred from its study, and men under the age of 40 are not permitted to learn Kabballah, and most pupils are required to be rabbis. The Kabballah is also usually taught more in Hasidic Judaism than other sects.
"I'm a little bit irritated that people think that it's like some celebrity band wagon that I've jumped on, or that, say, somebody like Demi (Moore) has jumped on," the 45-year-old says. "We don't take it lightly. ..." The rest of the statement is missing because nobody gives a putrid dead rat's ass what Madonna says.
Madonna will be accepting the world's apologies next week for not noticing that she was actually an over 40 male Hasidic rabbi. She will then change her name to Falling Hawk and be highly miffed that people didn't know ahead of time that she is actually 100 percent Navajo so she can use peyote legally.
NATO forces are expected to invade Madonna, I mean Esther, sometime during the next 40 hours.
DISCLAIMER: The author of this article is well aware that he is using a different spelling for Kabballah than Madonna uses. First of all, the word is actually spelled differently by several traditional sources, and secondly, get a life. If you are a fan of Madonna and this article offended you, please e-mail me your picture so my friends and I can point at you and laugh.