Written by T'Kea
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Friday, 6 February 2009

'Bear in the Big Blue House' is one of the countries, if not the worlds, most favourite children's shows. But after the recent controversies, is this really suitable behaviour for our children to be exposed to? You have heard the latest scandals about the cast of 'Bear in the Big Blue House', but can you separate the fact from fiction? If you can't, I suggest that you read on. And if you have been living under a rock for the last 3 months, and have no idea what I'm talking about, then I suggest you continue reading, just so you can get back in touch with the outside world.

Let's begin at the start of all the controversy, with the shows main character, Bear. It has been confirmed that the infamous seven-foot tall, orange Grizzly bear with a nose for learning has developed a severe eating disorder. It was well known around the world last year that his favourite three words used to be 'Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.' But now as Bear is spiralling into a dark depression and working his way in to a very severe eating disorder, his favourite saying is, 'Skip Breakfast, F*k lunch, Throw up dinner'.

Due to bear's self harming depression, the SPCA had to take action, and they had to enlist the help of the San Diego Zoo. The Zoo has taken bear into their custody until he is deemed mentally and physically healthy enough to live independently in his home in California. But until that time, Bear is performing his favourite dance, 'The Cha, Cha, Cha' at 11am, 1pm & 3pm daily at the San Diego Zoo.

Tutter, Bear's headstrong mouse friend, has moved from the bright lights of California, to the Mud-pie eating, obesity capital of the U.S, Mississippi. Since the end of the 3rd season of 'Bear in the Big Blue House' in 2001, Tutter has had a serious weight issue. His strong addiction to cheese and his inactive L.A lifestyle has caused him to become morbidly obese. Tutter now weighs over 2Kgs, which is EXTREMELY over the healthy weight limit for a mouse, considering most mice only weigh a few hundred grams. Tutter's obesity has become quite a problem, recently he had his Home in Mississippi renovated and had his mouse-hole door replaced with a Doggy-door just to accommodate his new obese frame. Tutter is now going to 'Cheese-aholic's anonymous' (CA) weekly, to try and kick his cheese addiction.

Treelo the once excitable lemur is now commonly known to be sexually dominated by former cast member, Ojo. Treelo's fascination with Bear's bed during the show should have indicated to us that most of his spare time would be either 'in' bed, or devoted to beds. And as we have recently found out, it was in to bed, where his fascination led him. Our expert psychiatrist, Kathy Eatzalotta-Kok has given us her 'Exclusive' professional opinion that Treelo has low self esteem issues, which explains his need and desire to be dominated. "He believes that the person, who is dominating him, has a desire to be with him. And their domination, is their way of showing affection." Treelo has been out of public sight for the last 3 weeks, and family members are starting to worry that something has happened to him.

And now finally to Pip and Pop, the two most controversial members of the 'Bear in the Big Blue House' cast. The worlds two most famous Otters have been hitting the L.A party scene a little too hard, since their rise to fame in early 1999. Pip, a cocaine and speed addict, has been in rehab seven times in the past 2 years, and is currently being sued by a taxi driver in New York, the driver, Lovestoobey Fukdupthebutt, claims that the socialite was so drunk that she hadn't noticed that she had wet herself in the back seat of the taxi, while going to pick up her partner, Pop after a party in Manhattan.

Fukdupthebutt says: "They were all drunk and abusive. I kicked them out and flagged down a cop."

A spokesperson for the socialite denies the incident.

Pip's most recent public shame came when she collapsed on the pavement outside a nightclub in Las Vegas. After a night of heavy drinking and partying, Pip emerged from the club, so drunk she was barely able to walk. After stumbling a few steps the socialite collapsed onto the pavement. Her bodyguard had to pick her up and escort her to the car waiting for her.

Pip's Partner, Pop has recently been arrested and charged for throwing a telephone at an employee of the hotel he was staying at. It is claimed that Pop was trying to call his 'mother' from the hotel room, but he had no dial tone. He was very irate so he decided to walk downstairs to the help desk and threw a phone at the concierge. Pop's publicist refused to give any comment on the issue, only saying that the issue is being resolved. The signs aren't too good for pop as he was recently arrested for exposing himself to a group of women in a L.A nightclub, and while he was being taken out of the club by security he started throwing punches screaming "you're gonna pay for this you pack of Cu*%'s! "

So, now you know what is happening in the lives of the cast of "Bear in the Big Blue house." You can make up your own minds whether you want your children to be subject to this sort of behaviour.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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