SAN FRANCISCO, CA - After British tabloid News of the World published a photo of Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps using a water pipe, noted spoof writer cwthomson extended an open invitation to smoke a "fat-ass joint" with the champion swimmer. He noted that he can legally obtain some "really killer buds" in California.
"I don't know what it was, but I always knew that guy was cool," said Thomson, slowly exhaling a bit of smoke. "You know, I realize he's going to get a lot of negative publicity and feedback from this. But what this incident really does is prove what I've been saying for years - just because someone smokes weed, it doesn't mean they're a loser, or that they just want to veg out and watch TV all day, wasting their life away. I mean, I'm proud of what I've achieved in my life so far, but this guy won eight gold medals at the last Olympics! That's just amazing. It beat Mark Spitz' record that stood for 36 years. Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I've really got the munchies right now. Can I get you anything? Do you want to try this stuff?"
I respectfully declined. Though his eyes appeared to be a bit red, Thomson seems to have a point. Without strict discipline and a strong work ethic, winning medals in Olympic swimming events would be nothing short of impossible. Phelps has won a total of sixteen Olympic medals, the most by any Olympian. Fourteen of them are gold. He currently holds seven world records in swimming. At the age of 23, his achievements have established him as a major force to be reckoned with in the world of swimming despite any recreational activities he may enjoy involving the application of flames to skunky green herbs.
When he returned with his snacks, Thomson went on to explain that the social stigma surrounding marijuana use has been perpetuated both by mass media and by people who tried smoking grass and did not feel comfortable with its mind expanding effects, possibly because they either couldn't handle introspection or the analysis of reality. He pointed out that marijuana does not carry the same strong ties to domestic violence, robbery, murder, vehicular manslaughter and other crimes often associated with other "recreational" substances, some of them perfectly legal. He also noted its use as a non-addictive pain reliever and mood enhancer after he himself was hit by a drunk driver while riding a bicycle in 1994 and nearly died, as well as the impossibility of dying from a marijuana overdose.
He hopes the incident involving Phelps will help begin dissipating the ridiculous stigmas attached to the use of grass, much like the cloud of pot smoke dissipating around his head. Nevertheless, he says people are slow to change, and quick to judge, so he remains cautiously optimistic at best. "In the meantime," he said between mouthfuls of Doritos, "I've got some totally awesome hydroponically grown purple cannabis on reserve for the Olympic champion. By the way, can I get you something to drink? My mouth's a little dry!"