Former American President George W Bush was today chosen to become the new James Bond. But as times have changed since Sean Connery portayed the special agent in the 1960s, Mr. Bush will be a rather different Bond from Connery, Moore, Brosnan, et al.
Firstly, he won't be able to shoot a gun without hitting his own foot, or even know which end is the dangerous one, so will have an unloaded rifle to wave around to make him look tough. And unlike the Scottish and English actors, carefully chosen for their suave way of speaking, Bush will talk like an inbred hillbilly from Missouri, and will continually fluff his lines for a bit of comic relief for the audience.
'Heck', he drawled through a mouthful of pretzels, 'the name's Jim, Jimmy Richmond. No, James Rockford, double 0 double O, licensed to spill my beer on the carpet. Laura! Get me a cloth, will ya, this special agent needs Q to invent a pretzel that I can't choke on, and a glass that never falls over on the table.'
His arch enemy Goldstealer will be the film's main villain, and will steal millions from American taxpayers to fund pointless wars in the Middle East, before Bond manages to stop him with the cunning trick of simply retiring. 'Miss Moneyperrymason, get me M on the line, ya heah', Bush said, practising his lines. 'Yo, M! Goldsteamer won't last a minute against me, so get me Prime Minister Golden Brown on the lino. I wanna tell him I've saved the world by retirementing!'
But M had reversed the charges, and put the receiver on the table and left the room, and every minute that Bush was babbling on the line was making £100 for the British Government. 'The name'sh Bush', the former President said, 'Jamesh Bushmillsh. Lishenshed to, to, Jeez this acting is hard. Licenshed to drink and snort lines and lose wars.'
'And misunderstandamentalise my own diseased, retarted braincells. Hey, this writer is pretty good! A certain Barack Obama wrote this, wow, maybe he can be the next Bond, after I've finished filming 'Goldfather' and 'Monte Cassino Real Madrid.'
Miss Moneypenny has left the building.