After years of trying to convince New Yorkers and Angelenos that orange was the new black, pink was the new black, and gray was the new black, major fashion designers have conceded that black is the new black, the old black, the current black, and the only black.
They have vowed to endorse the following dress code: black from Labor Day through Memorial Day, with khaki, off-white, and white acceptable for the months of June, July, and August only. Brown will be acceptable by special permit only. A permit must be obtained from Anna Wintour.
Green will be tolerated only if redheads wear it. "The color wheel really isn't that big," one assistant designer said peevishly, "and, like, in the greater scheme of things, yellow isn't really that far around the circle from black. But we got such flak in New York and Los Angeles every time we tried to introduce a new color!" Stores and catalogues serving the two metro regions scrambled madly to rewrite ad copy and delete all mention of colors. "To tell the truth, it was getting to be a real grind trying to come up with synonyms for colors," said Rusty Vermillion, a freelance writer who is generally regarded as one of the best in the business and is credited with having made sure that no one could figure out what colors J Crew was referring to when it advertised clothing in mist, granite, cement, grain, grit, sludge, melon, berry, and heartbreak. "Actually, my favorite color is plaid," said Rusty. "But I guess I'll have to think of some good synonyms for black and white now--carbon, dirt, tar, oil, liquorice, pepper, snow, ice, milk, cotton, coconut, and cream are the ones that come to my mind right now."
Stores and catalogues catering to customers in the heartland were amused but were not concerned. "There will always be a market for lime-green pants and hot pink shirts out here," said a Lands' End spokesperson. "Our customers aren't interested in the Amish-Sicilian widow look that people on both coasts seem to embrace. We will continue to offer our colorful selections and to call colors by their real names."