Today in Germany, an eleventh assassination plot against Tom Cruise films failed. Some have found it almost miraculous that Cruise's films - that have become more and more extreme and intolerant to audiences over the years - have not yet been killed off, but are still terrorising millions across the world.
Previous attempts included a film about Cruise juggling cocktail shakers for 90 minutes, a stuntman playing pool for 90 minutes, and Cruise trying to compete with Dustin Hoffman in overacting for 90 minutes, but the latest plot was the most daring one yet.
To try and get rid of Cruise's movies once and for all, a secret group of German businessmen came up with an ingenious plan. First of all they wrote the screenplay for a thriller, but one about a true-life conspiracy against a world leader that not only does everyone already know, but also one that everyone knows doesn't succeed.
Then they cast the diminutive actor as a tall German aristocrat, and to make sure it would die at the box office they made Cruise wear an eye-patch and had him speaking perfect American English, while all the villains are also talking English but with a ridiculous German accent. And finally, in what they thought would ensure the assassination would succeed, its world premiere was held in Germany itself.
With Cruise looking like a midget in a Nazi uniform but sounding like he's working on a Nebraska farm, and every cliche in Hollywood history used to fill up the 90 minutes, it seemed certain death for the national scientologist, but amazingly Cruise's films survived, this time not only due to incredible luck but also due to something that saved his movies in the sixth and ninth attempts - American funding. No matter how much the rest of the world wanted the death of Cruise's films, American audiences have continued to pay money to keep them alive, and this has happened once again.
Cruise's agents, Taste and Less, released the following official statement: 'Cruise's films have survived this latest disgraceful effort at ending his career. 'The Color of Baloney', 'Top Yawn', 'Runtman' and 'Whatever Happened To Tiny Tom?' all failed to kill it off, and the traitors that dared to try to do this again by putting him in one of the campest, most ridiculous and downright unintentionally funny films in years will be forced to go and watch it at cinemas near you - and if they don't, then we'll be sending them free tickets!'
The Walt Disney Corporation is hoping to bring out a children's cartoon series of all the assassination attempts, and will be calling it 'Scooby von Doo and Zee Wacky Aryan Races.' We have vays of making you buy popcorn.