Written by Monkey Woods
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Sunday, 18 January 2009

image for Celebrity Big Brother Coolio Reckons He's A Poet
Rhyming bullshit doesn't make it poetry

Celebrity Big Brother housemate Coolio astonished viewers of the show tonight when, in a Diary Room interview with Big Brother, the US rapper claimed he was 'a poet'
- and his mama didn't even know it.

Coolio, real name Artis Leon Ivey, Jr. - seriously! - has been the coolest motherfucken dude ever to have appeared in the House, and has been a shining beacon of light in what is, otherwise, a pool of cess.

He has 'upset' Michelle by being abusive towards her, although this takes some believing, as Michelle is from Newcastle where abuse is just another way of saying "Good Morning".

In a Diary Room interview with Big Brother, Coolio recounted his latest rap effort, penned inside the confines of the Big Brother studio. It went:

Man, I am a poet
And my mama dain't even knowit
I gave my girl my cock
And she stooped down low to blowit
I put a bomb inside her car
She dain't even need to towit
My brothers brought me some grass
I dain't even need to growit

He went on (and on):

Life, wife, knife,
Feeded, needed, bleeded,
Crime, time, rhyme

After the conclusion of this series of Celebrity Big Brother, the rapper is expected to return to his Gangsta's Paradise, which is where he belongs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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