Written by James
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Monday, 14 January 2002

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Los Angeles, CA - Jules Asner, E! Entertainment television hottie and superstar mathlete, has been suspended by the National Mathletic Association (NMA).

The suspension stems from a year long investigation into reports that Jules Asner cheated in a national title competition in the 1999 Mathletic Season. The findings from the investigation were released last week by Mathletes Against Fraudulent Mathletics (MAFM), the organization in charge of investigating all allegations of cheating and math enhancing drug use in the mathletic community.

The most damning evidence in the case against Jules Asner is the testimony of Wendy Farquar (13, San Diego). Wendy was a competitor in the Abacus Arithmetic Calculation event that Jules Asner allegedly cheated in during last year's national title competition.

"I kept looking over at Jules because I was intrigued by the fact that a 33 year old woman would compete in a math competition against a bunch of 13 and 14 year olds. It was during one of my glances over at Jules that I noticed that she would hunch over her desk and mess around with something on her wrist. I soon realized that Jules was using a calculator watch instead of using the abacus like everyone else was using."

After reviewing the film of the competition, MAFM officials were able to verify that Wendy Farquar's story was credible.

Reporters gathered outside of E! Entertainment Television's studio on Friday in an attempt to ask Jules to make a statement in response to her suspension. Reporters were disappointed when a visibly shaken Jules Asner rushed through the crowd to her car without so much as saying "no comment."

Stephen Hawking, MAFM President, released the following statement: "It is a sad day in the world of Mathletics when our most recognizable mathlete is involved in such a heinous scandal. I hope that this suspension shows mathletes around the world that cheating in mathletic competitions will not be tolerated."

The NMA has not yet decided on the length of the suspension, but a spokesman for the NMA said that they would release that information next week.

Jules Asner is expected to appeal the suspension.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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