60's R&B legend Nellie Cricket today launched an astonishing attack on female singers and girl bands by stating uniquivocally that "they're all crap."
Nellie Cricket, a legendary R&B vocalist who worked clubs and pubs in the Kidderminster area of the midlands was particularly scathing in her attack on Girls Aloud.
"They're bloody rubbish," she told the Spoof.com. "That's why they have so many producers, they just can't sing. Simple as that. It's all fake. In my day you had people like Aretha Franklin saying the odd little prayer here and there. You had Gladys Knight and the Pips catching that late train to Georgia in Russia or somewhere and that there Janis Joplin who admittedly just screeched a lot, like a scalded cat.
"But let's be honest about this, even Cilla bleeding Black was a better vocalist than most of the ones you get these days."
"Too right," agreed Ike Turncoat, Nellie's live in lover and reputed drug dealer. "Look at that Beyonce, lovely looking girl but the material she's got is just so shit it's unbelievable. I mean, when you've got a right sexy bird on your roster you hardly want her to start singing funereal dirges like 'If I Was A Boy' now do you?"
"I know mate," said a drunk bloke at the next table. "Them Pussycat Dolls is just as bad. Lovely looking and all that, and successful enough to attract the Formula One World Champion, but you know that bit when she sings-'I hate this part right here'-yeah? Well I fucking well hate all of it.'
Nellie Cricket rounded off the interview by saying:
"Let's get back to some proper music, by people like The Beverley Sisters and Hinge and Brackett and that. Oh, and not forgetting me, the legendary Nellie Cricket.'
More when we get so bored that we'll do anything for a story, no matter how crap it is.