In a heartbreaking tragic miscarriage of justice, John Sergeant has been BANNED from dancing in Europe for 25 years, for dance floor related crimes against humanity.
Under the circumstances a mainland UK ban was inevitable, but the full European wide ban has left Mr Sergeant 'a shell of a man'. The chubby checker advised outside Court today 'I have always enjoyed dancing on the continent. Infact for period of time in the 90's, the ONLY place i would dance, was on the continent, after a few E's' he continued ..
'If you are reading this Judge Grawbowski, I maintain that I DID NOT cause that stampede. Many of those trampled to death in the rush towards the dance floor would still be alive today if the DJ hadn't announced over the tannoy that I was about to start rocking'].
As part of Mr Sergeant's community service, he has been urged to pass on his silky skills to as many people as poss, before his Government imposed retirement. The judge also ruled a video of Mr Sergeant dancing should be burried in a time capsule for future generations.
Mr Segeant advised yesterday 'I specialise's in all forms of dance, and believe me, I mean ALL forms. If there is a style of dance out there that I don't specialise in, you must have just invented it. So roll up roll up one and all for your private tuition'.
The following schedule/advertisment was today circulated around the web's dance communties:
Sundays: Advanced Wedding dancing. -The agadoo, the superman, the birdy song (beginner and professional), the oaky coaky, the caterpilla, the blockbusters dance, the grandad shuffle, the wig wam bam, the saturday night, plus requests
Mondays: Traditional dance fans are welcome and well catered for (the waltz, the fox trot etc) For those 50's rockers out there look no further (mash potato, hand jive, twist etc) -also on mondays
Disco, pogo, mosh, -will be on tuesdays. plus some obscure forms such as voodoo, & rain dance classes,
Wednesdays: the Patrick Swayze freestyle class, the Kevin Bacon hip swivel teqnique, the T-Birds appreciation hour, the double jointed crab of funk,
Thursdays: Specialist Classes. Any people out there wanting to improve in defensive dancing, or urban social group acceptance dancing,.. for example if you move into a lower middle class area of America and the local punk kids won't be your friend, then Big Daddy John can teach you the dance steps to impress those fuckers.
Fridays: Fridays was reserved for erotic moves night. But I've been banned from teaching these moves. Still, where there is a will, there is a way. I don't particularly want to teach fridays erotic dance class in a disguise of a wet suit and diving mask, but i feel i have no choice'
The Jo Brand-a-like was today unavailable for further comment.