Written by keltikmusk
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Tuesday, 23 December 2008

image for Cheryl Cole To Be Replaced by Churchill The Nodding Dog
Cheryl drowns her sorrows

Fears were gathering last night that pop superstar Cheryl Cole may be replaced on the new series of X Factor by the Churchill, the well known nodding bull dog from the eponymous insurance advert.

A statement issued by Highpant, the PR company representing show supremo, Simon Cole, said:

"Simon loves Cheryl but is frankly a bit irritated by her. She has a large head which is clearly disproportionate to the rest of her emaciated body and has consistently shown an irksome tendency to like everybody that appears on the show."

The statement went on to say, "…The rest of the judges are usually pretty fair in their views and tell it how it is but Cheryl basically just says, "ah reeeely louved that" to almost every song. If Eoghan Quigg came on stage, dropped his pants and farted into the microphone, she would still be moved to tears and claim it was probably his best performance so far. Something has got to give and Simon doesn't suffer fools gladly."

It is hoped that Churchill will be able to slip into Cheryl's role with ease and will certainly save money. At present, Miss Cole is alleged to receive £100,000 per show but Churchill is happy to only have his tummy rubbed and a few choccy drops. His catch phrase of "oh yes!" is seen as not being noticeably different to Cole's simpering platitudes which she doles out each show to the talentless pre pubescents which make up the talent pool on X Factor.

Miss Cole was shown a copy of the statement late yesterday and said "Ah reeely louved that. It's possibly the best statement ah huv ever read."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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