Written by keltikmusk
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Monday, 22 December 2008

image for Kerry Katona Launches New Perfume
Katona's new perfume

Overweight drug addled celebrity loser, Kerry Katona, has revealed that she will be launching a new perfume early in the New Year. Failed pop star, Miss Katona, is hoping that the release of the new fragrance will herald a new dawn in her downward spiralling career and provide a much needed cash boost for the z-list starlet.

The scent, to be called "Minge", is being launched by the House of Lentheric but will only be available in Lidl and Aldi stores in order to reach the recommended target market of single parent teens with bi-polar disorders. A spokesperson for House of Lentheric confirmed that the new perfume would hit the shelves in January and, with its heady bouquet of stale urine and cheap lager, would sure to be a big seller in deprived inner city slum areas. The bottle itself will be a unique selling point having been modelled on an old can of Asda Own Brand lager, desigend by noted Franklin Mint artist, Fred Quimmage.

Miss Katona has had an annus horribilis with her bankruptcy action, allegations of alcoholism and drug abuse and the cancellation of her lucrative contract with frozen food giant, Iceland. However, in a statement released by her new PR representative, Jim Pieface (also landlord of Rose & Crown, Warrington), she announced, "I am glad to announce that all my problems are now behind me and that I can now move on with this exciting new opportunity. Given that Jade Goody probably won't be around for much longer I hope to corner the market in cheap perfume and soon everyone will be saying how nice my Minge smells. Even my Mark loves it!"

However, in an animated attack on her own daughter, Katona's estranged mother, Sue (74), lashed out at the star claiming she was "nowt but a fat liar who stinks of piss". She also branded Katona's drug supplying husband, Mark Croft, a "no good cotton pickin' varmint". Katona declined to respond to her mother's comment as she was off her fat face on coke and E.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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