Harry Potter authoress Joanne (JK) Rowling was today condemned to death by the Spanish Inquisition.
Issuing the condemnation, the leader of the Inquisition, Joseph (HH) Ratzinger, said: 'Ja, Miss Rowling has been found guilty of spreading heresy, due to ridiculous fictional tales about fighting evil with spells and potions, while dressing up in weird clothes - these are all the Roman Catholic Church's job. We will not allow her to continue to make us look like a bunch of hypocritical amateurs, with our made-up tales of resurrection and virgin births - no way, Saturnalia Day!'
This is not the first time the Inquisition has condemned people to death for heresy, indeed they famously condemned the entire nation of The Netherlands to death once and probably the nation of Scotland too, where Miss Rowling lives, as both countries are largely Protestant. The writer herself merely laughed at the news, and said 'Well, that's an unusual Christmas gift for me! 'What do you want for Christmas this year, Jo?''Being tortured half to death and then burnt at the stake, please!'' Hee hee hee hee.'
But the Pope was not amused by her attitude, and said: '2000 years after Jesus practised faith healing and turned water into wine, we cannot allow such paranormal activities - unless the Church gets the credit for it. Now, where did I put my Holy Condemning to Death forms?'
But Rowling's famous fictional character Harry Potter had the last word on the subject: 'Inquisition? Don't make me laugh! If you've faced the might of the Dark Lords of Thrhornzdorff as I have, or have survived the Kiss of the Hermionic Cat of Grangemouth, you wouldn't be scared of any Inquisitions! Pah! I sneer in the face of the Inquisition! I run out of hyperboles in the jaws of their ridiculous accusations! What's for tea, Mum?'
JK Rowling was looking rather pretty in an Edinburgh cafe today, drinking tea with a tall, dark, stranger - without knowing she was drinking tea with him.