"Daphne Fowler from the Eggheads is not only the strongest player, she is the physically the strongest member on the Eggheads team and actually an Alien God", says a tearful and spineless, Jeremy Vine.
"I have to make sure she checks all the answers, when other contestants answer, people watching see me do this all the time... I have to! I also have to check the questions with her before I am permitted to ask them. I spend two hours before the show in her palatial dressing room. I am not permitted to look her in the eye and sometimes, I have to stand in the corner with my hands on my head"
"Once I mixed up Rod Hull and Roy Hudd in a question about Emu. After the programme, she took off her comfortable sling-backs and beat me about the head for five minutes. She was that brutal. From that moment, I always check with her, sometimes she even writes the questions for me to ask her. I am so scared. I not even sure I should be even talking to you"
"I don't really get on with C.J de Mooi" added Jeremy playing with his hair. " Not because he is a camp, arrogant, know-it-all, because that would be like hating me. I dislike him because he has a Hitler-Hairdo and looks like the organ player from Sparks. He is a very unattractive fellow, but I can't help staring at his dark eyes. Glinting like pools of warm ebony chocolate, inviting... yet wicked. Oh I'm nasty!"
Jeremy then showed this reporter the bruises and scars on his back, man-rump and long spindly legs; where the lovely-sweet, affable, doddery, lispy, tyrant laid into him with her fists and her studded belt.
"I know why Dermot left now, he was strong, he was good with his fists, He fought back. I really think she is some kind of alien from another planet, she not only has a super-brain, but she has super 'Geoff Capes' strength. Dermot could take her whippings, but I do not know if I can take it for much longer" said the 6ft 4, TV man.
Barry eyes still offend me.....But it is still, one of the best programmme on the box, that's not repeated said the biased reporter, known as me.
Jonathan Ross was in hiding with my licence money.......