Written by Phil Edgar's Bones
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Wednesday, 10 December 2008

image for Russell Brand Concert Tickets May Have To Be Sprayed!
You might need to take a pilly-willy to see-weey randy-Brandy

Sleazy Sex-Loser Brand, is so sullied from his lurid sex life, his concert tickets may have to be sprayed with some form of liquid penicillin, say concerned malcontents.

While scientists have dispelled the myth, 'looking Russell Brand directly in the eye, cannot give you a variety of STD's', other people are not so sure.

Mrs Vera Buttersquash, 64, reported watching Brand at the comedy awards and then feeling a 'little itchy' down below.

"I was alright when Alan Carr was on" she said "But as soon as that wild thing with those glaring eyes and matted hair came on. Jesus H-from-Steps Christ the old minge, began itching and burning"

Miss Kimberly Battyhole, 14, added "I had a copy of his book last Christmas, but within two days of reading it....the GP had to prescribe 'Permethrin 1%' and we all know what that's for!"

Liza McGarry and Julie Finklestein are big fans of Russell Brand, but are taking precautions. "We are looking for the tickets sprayed with penicillin, they are thought to be very rare, a bit like Willie Wonka's golden tickets" said Julie pulling at her lobotomy stitches.

"Thats ironic" added Liza "Because Russell is a well known willie wanker. Ho-Ho, I made a funny and now my lady's purse is itching. I think I might be coming down with a touch of the old herpes!"

Russell Brand did not comment, as he was very upset from splitting up with his latest girl-friend of two minutes. She was thought to be a well known brand of high-powered vacuum cleaner. The distraught Brand, was last seen romancing a hollowed out cucumber, that was dosed up on Aciclovir.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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