14-year old Billy Bummer from Asshole, Mississippi says he has glued a picture he tore from a teeny magazine of High School Musical hotty Vanessa Hudgens to his hand and uses it as "inspiration" for marathon wanking sessions behind the bike shed at his local school.
Billy - a slow boy with interest in learning fuck all - says Hudgens' "presence" makes him feel "lovely and nice all over".
"It's like I'm right there on the set of High School Musical", says Billy, "except wanking a lot with Vanessa Hudgens stuck to my hand".
Billy has described the sensation as being the "best sex he's never had".
"I'm still a virgin. I expect to stay that way fro quite some time. Eventually I hope to be able to glue a 'real' girl to my hand. That's my dream - that and turning into a Transformer", says Billy.