Written by Jesus Budda
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Friday, 5 December 2008

image for Michael Caine says he "doesn't give a Bloody F*ck" what he gets for Christmas
"Cats! Bloody, thousands of 'em!"

British thespian Sir Michael Caine has told his cat that he doesn't give a bloody fuck what he gets for Christmas this year.

The celebrated Oscar winner made the abrupt statement while having a shit in the cats food bowl.

Caine - star of such films as Zulu and The Italian Job - got a pair of tartan socks and a VHS pirated copy of the Sylvester Stallone remake of Get Carter last year under his Christmas tree and hasn't forgiven his pet cat 'Alfie' for the shitty presents.

Caine had personally spent $5,000 of his earnings from the making of a Japanese tofu commercial on a gold crown for the kitty, and was very upset at the lack of effort on the animals behalf.

Alfie then invited all his homeless cat friends around and they ate the entire turkey before Caine could get a slice.

"Cats!, bloody thousands of 'em!", Caine remarked.

The tension between the two didn't end there:

For Caine's birthday, the cat destroyed the microwave by loading it with tins of tuna and rabbit cutlets as a prank.

"I only asked him to blow the bloody doors off!", the cockney geezer chimed.

Caine says he'd rather get nothing instead of having to bother unwrapping something shit that he doesn't want anyway.

Alfie the cat says he's going to spent the saved cash on a holiday to Sir Ben Kingsley's house, where he says the cats there are treated with respect and grace.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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