To launch her new album and Christmas single, Britney Spears agreed to appear on ITV1's show, X-Factor, but her list of riders have eaten into ITV's Christmas budget.
Not satisfied with one dressing room, Britney took all seventeen, leaving the contenders and judges in the cold. In each dressing room was a different pedigree puppy, three thousand purple roses, twenty tubs of Rocky Road ice-cream at precisely four degrees centigrade, a masseuse and a previously unwatched forty-two inch plasma television. Every toilet in the building had to be replaced with a pink one, except the existing pink one, which had to be replaced with a statue of the Mona Lisa by Damien Hurst.
Accompanying the American Diva were forty minders who clogged up the corridors for an hour before her appearance.
Arriving just two minutes before going on stage, Speares used none of the dressing rooms, and insisted that nobody watched her performance. The audience was escorted out for the twenty minute set, whilst the lucky camera operators were all given ear plugs and blindfolds.
Even with nobody watching, it was clear that Britney was lip syncing, as she mimed her way through "Womanizer", despite the track being played being "Piece of Me".
When asked which of the performers she thought would win, she answered that she liked London, as she had been given the wrong question sheet and was unable to move off script.
Simon Cowell, the mastermind behind the death of the pop industry, was undaunted by the shambolic performance. "She was great, wasn't she?" he said afterwards, hitching his trousers even higher. "There's nobody like her."
ITV bosses have wept into their cocoa, as they have now been forced to axe the popular Christmas episode of Coronation Street to pay for the twenty minute disaster.