Jonathan Ross, the disgraced lurid phone call fanatic has stepped in to save the BBC from a looming "Bloody Battle" between the judges and the British public on the now infamous Strictly Come Dancing TV programme.
Said a distraught Ross "I feel it's my duty to do all I can to stop this outrageous situation developing into something the BBC may regret, I haven't as yet decided who my partner may be but Russell Brand would be my first choice, I know his quick step is of a high quality and I'm told his tango is something to die for"
John Sergeant was continually bullied by the judges for his poor dancing techniques. Sergeant told our roving dance expert "I know Jonathan will do a fantastic job, I'm more than happy for him to take my place and with Russell as a partner I could see them going all the way"
Jonathan Ross was unable to confirm if he would dance this week "I need to make a few phone calls first, I wouldn't want to do anything unless I knew I was going to upset at least one or two people so if you don't mind you can sod off while I pump a few obscenities in the general direction of Len Goodman"