Written by Wickham Chase

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Topics: TV, Shopping, Billy Mays

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Extremely annoying TV Pitchman Billy Mays was caught up in a prank last night. Two area boys, 16-year-old Terry Little and his friend Jason Large, 28 jumped the loud-mouthed adman as he left the St. Petersburg, Florida, headquarters of the Home Shopping Network.

Little explained, "We were minding our own business in Jason's Mom's basement watching Hannah Montana on Tivo. The show kept being interrupted with commercials as usual and the ones for the new "Barbie's Christmas Wardrobe" were okay but Mays kept showing up yelling about the "Samurai Shark" and "Gopher", you know, the handy tool for picking up stuff that you are too lazy to bend down for".

Large added, "Yeah, it was really annoying, I said why don't we take some of that "Mighty Mend It" and stitch his infuriating mouth shut?"

The authorities are still trying to work out how but at some point the two left the safety of the basement and made it to the local Ace hardware store where they purchased a number of Mays' endorsed worthless crap products.

They had intended to buy an "Awesome Auger" to use in the assault but their pocket money wouldn't stretch that far. They were however able to pay for a tube of "Mighty Mend It" a box of "Hercules Hooks" and a "Bedazzler".

Mays was accosted as he left the Pink Pussy Cat adult theatre in Ybor City and was found in the alley behind the establishment hanging hooked to the door by his jacket, his mouth sealed shut with "Mighty Mend It" and the "Hercules Hooks" handily taking the strain of his bloated 475 lb frame. Apparently the hooks do work quite well.

So far Mays' lips remain sealed as, fortunately, no one has been found who will perform the delicate procedure.

Wickham Chase, Staff Reporter

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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