New York, New York - Angelina-Jolie suffered an emotional breakdown at a press conference while promoting her new movie, "The Changeling" today.
Just moments before, backstage, she had just been handed a personal communiqué from the U.N. Secretary-General, informing her of the imamate passage of a new U.N. Decree ordering sanctions imposed against her, if she did not agree to personally and publicly endorse the use birth control in an effort to reduce the population explosion resurgence that she has personally created.
"The U.N. was quite clear," said Angelina-Jolie's attorney. "If she did not stop having babies or stop seducing the world from having them, she would suffer economic sanctions."
According to data gathered by U.N. officials, Angelina-Jolie is single-handily responsible for a global surge in the human population.
"Not only is she personally responsible for increasing the population beyond the levels of planet sustainability by repeatedly giving birth to her own children," read the U.N. proposal for sanctions. "But she is also responsible for a sharp upward spike for increased birth rates in the Third World countries whenever she visits. Ironically on humanity missions."
"Oh yeah, that's true," says Mobobbwai, chieftain of a small African village. "When Angelina-Jolie last visited our humble but pride filled village, our local population went through the cow dung covered roof. Man, the shit really hit the fan that day."
As already independently confirmed U.N. data originally asserted, Angelina-Jolie is responsible for an increase in the new global population bomb, but not without her being counted among the collateral damage and fallen as well.
"The news was so devastating to her, especially given her leftist liberal leanings," said a close family friend of Angelina-Jolie. "So of course she cried when she found out she was the world's biggest suicide population bomb exploder and ordered to pay U.N. sanctions. Wouldn't you?"
"Without realizing it, Angelina-Jolie is personally responsible for creating more babies to born on the planet by virtue of her looks alone," said a U.N. official. "Whether or not the babies are her own, she can only hope to reverse the effects by her personal and public commitment to use birth control and limited public appearances from here on end."
According to anecdotal evidence, vital statistics gathered locally, whatever country Angelina-Jolie visits, couples respond by having increased sexual activity, throwing caution and consequences to the wind.
As is evidenced in the apparent number of birth names recorded on the birth certificates at local hospitals.
"Last I counted," says Roger, a Jamaican giant banana water ski instructor. "Mon, I had 5 baby girls named Angelina and 7 baby boys named Jolie -- Lord, forgive me."
Despite Roger's and the U.N.'s official position that Angelina-Jolie is solely responsible for turning on the world, Roger says he holds no hard feelings against her.
"Womon. Don't cry," says a supportive Roger from his a bedroom on a mattress jumping with kids. "You just can't help the way Yahweh made you. You can't help yourself. So, don't be shaming and blaming. You're a modern fertility Goddess. Yes, you are. Just let it all out, and hang loose, womon. Yeah womon, can you dig it?"
"Oh yes," says Yang, father of 7 children. "I can't wait until Angelina-Jolie comes back to visit us here in China. Although my wife hates her, Angelina-Jolie completes me. She is my Yin, and I'm her Wang - I meant to say Yang."
"Si! I mean yes," says Carlos Rivera, father of 14 children. "That goes double for me, too. I love the Angelina-Jolie. She makes me, how do you say? Really rockets my wife's world every time she comes. Then, we all come together on our hands and knees, thanking the Lord for the Angelina-Jolie down at the local church."