A man who bears an uncanny likeness to American Idol judge Simon Cowell has been voted the gayest guy in America.
Simon Trowel, from Bay City Michigan, wears chest-high pants, works in the media and entertainment business and even talks with a distinctive dry English accent
Simon likes to keep his tan topped up by an hourly visit to his local tanning salon.
Curious bystanders, in a case of mistaken identity, regularly stop him in the street for autographs and photographs. Simon usually just tells them to fuck off.
"I'm so not like that other Simon", says Simon T, "For instance: I have a thing for big-haired, masculine, black 'female' singers. With cocks".
As part of Simon's prize, he is to receive two tickets to any shitty Simon Cowell produced TV show and a wank from the man himself.