Last year the New Year's ball weighed less than a ton and measured less than six feet across. This year when the Holiday Reveler's Committee dug the ball out of moth balls they were shocked to find an enormous sphere. The ball had doubled in diameter and now weighs 12 tons. The HRC called in urologists from NYU Medical center's Balls R Us department and after x-rays, ekg's, MRI's and nuculear medicine studies by the George W Bush right wing of the nuculear medicine institute.
At first evidence pointed toward an advanced case of testicular cancer. NYU Oncologist Juan Ball Atatime took a biopsy and it came up negative, which is positive. NYC Health department Epidemiologist, Bugs Bugs Bugs said that it looked to him like a bad incidence of epididymitis:
"We see it all the time. These New Year's party guys go down town and pick something up. Then they get shy and let it go too long until they're walking like they have a basketball between their legs.We can clear it up with some antibiotics but nobody can reverse the damage done by the STI."
NYC Holiday reveler's Committee spokesperson, Celeb Rate-Gudtimz tried to reassure New Yorkers and the millions of people across the world who have no lives and need to watch the ball to distract them from that fact:
"The ball will be bigger if not better this year. With a sick economy, two wars and a thriving homelessness market, an infected ball will be a symbol of our solidarity in the final days of the Bush plague!"