In the wake of the Brand/Woss scandal the BBC has taken a bold decision to theme all new output on the successful "Strictly" format and have started with Strictly the News.
The winning format involves a panel of over the top and previously unheard of critics who will sit very closely behind a small desk whilst previously unheard of "celebrities" read the news partnered by expert professional newsreaders. After each news item the critics will deliver their verdicts on the style, poise, technical merit and gravitas of the celebs followed by a public vote where unpopular items will be discarded.
'This is a return to old fashioned values demanded by the viewing public' stated Mark Thompson, director general of the BBC 'plus my bonus is at risk if we don't stem the flow of obscenities uttered by overpaid presenters'
The idea gained momentum after former political correspondent and Jo Brand lookylikey John Sergeant surprised the critics and won the hearts of viewers who kept him in the competition when clearly he can't dance and looks like a tortoise.
'I noticed that "Strictly" was on almost as often as the news and just thought that if Huw Edwards did a waltz whilst summing up the effects of the credit crunch on the ordinary viewer things wouldn't seem so bad.' stated producer Tom Sequin 'So I pitched my idea to management whilst performing a complicated triple salco and they loved it.'
As she defended calls of dumbing down and playing to the lowest common denominator, BBC1 controller Jay Hunt said that the voting lines are now closed and if you call your vote won't be counted but you may still be charged.
"The thing that swung it was the promise of Bruce Forsythe's timeless gags at the opening and closing of each segment" a breathless Bill Turnbull breathed for no other reason than to appear likeable.
However we have learned that not everyone is happy with the new format, a BBC insider known only as Fiona Bruce stated that there was no way she was going to do any of that shit!
If enough money is generated from the phone lines on Strictly the News then other favourites will follow; plans for Strictly Eastenders and Strictly Dr Who are already well advanced but a re-launch of Strictly Last of the Summer Wine was cancelled because the original was not in any way funny or entertaining.