Written by Jeff Brone
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Topics: Tom Cruise

Friday, 7 November 2008

Hollywood icon Tom Cruise was, according to witnesses, "hopped up like some bennied up whirlygig, like a crazy jigger jagger" on a recent trip to a local Hollywood eatery.

According to Dirk Bingers, a local actor and parking valet, Cruise showed up with an entourage that "was acting like a bunch of gafoozed up noodleheads" and Cruise himself was "hyped up like a chimp on peppermint goofy juice" and bouncing around like some "rubberized chia pet with the looney flu."

Another witness explained that she had seen Cruise "act like a bingo-bango pinball, all wiggy waggy like" a few times before, but this was the first time he had resembled a "jazzed up spazzmeister, all hands and eyeballs, hopping up and down, bing bang boom."

Cruise recently appeared on a local Los Angeles talk show and was "acting all apeshit, totally nutzo and kookola like" according to the show's host Birk Dingers. He also said that Cruise was plugging a new movie, but you could hardly concentrate on that as he was "having a total crazo-attack and going ballistic, like the mayor of flipout city."

In his defense, Cruise said he felt his behavior was totally normal and didn't know what all the fuss was about. He did, however, look like a whacked out nutburger from nutzoland at the time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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