Written by Moggie
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Topics: Beatles

Thursday, 6 November 2008

image for Beatle reunion grows closer as their existence is questioned
The unmistable look of the original Beatles, as seen in Tijuana, 1965,

Doctors in London have confirmed that both Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are unwell, leading fans to conclude that a long awaited Beatles reunion may be close at hand. However as the world waits anxiously, many experts now believe that the alleged musical profligacy of the Beatles may prove beyond doubt that they in fact never existed.

Mrs Beryl Snowden, a 64 year old cat lover from Piffing Sodbury in Suffolk has come forward with a collection of cassette tapes that feature previously unheard material from the fab four. The latest "Lost Beatles recording" brings to a total two hundred and ten thousand, two hundred and forty three hours of recorded material attributed to the Liverpool lads. This is four hours longer than the band members actually knew each other.

Further analysis of the combined body of work by the Beatles has suggested that John Lennon, in order to achieve the amount of material attributed to him, would have had to keep composing and recording twelve hours a day, seven days a week for three and a half years after he was shot to death in New York.

Ron Bentley, curator of "The Semi official Beatles Museum" in Liverpool concedes this is an unlikely scenario but adds "John was an amazing man, so maybe he found a way, you know?"

For Ron this is a more comfortable explanation of the anomaly of recorded material than the one being seriously offered by Brian Samuels, the Director of Music Studies at Liverpool Technical College.

"In hindsight I guess the writings always been on the wall, we just didn't want to see it. The Beatles never really existed. Right? I mean, all that crap about "Paul is Dead, Paul is dead" I mean, of course he was dead. So was John. Or more precisely, they never lived. The photo's, the gigs, they were all just stand ins. I mean, look how many Beatles cover bands there are now, right? Why not save all the hassle and just create a Beatles cover band to actually BE the band in the first place right? I'm increasingly of the opinion that they actually had a couple of bands who were "The Beatles", you know, like how the Americans have stand in Presidents and stuff. One Beatles is at the BBC doing some radio interviews while another Beatles is sound checking for a gig and a third band is hanging out with groupies. Great marketing, great concept and it explains why there is enough material recorded by them to cover three bands!"

Back at the Semi Official Beatles Museum Ron Bentley scoffs at the suggestion. "Nah, that's just stupid, really. If you were going to manufacture the whole Beatles phenomenon, surely you'd at least hook them up with good looking birds, if you see my point"

But Brian Samuels is quick to point out more anomalies in the Beatles legend. "Abbey Road right? That cover thing where Paul's out of step, right? Obvious. Paul was right handed. Only sometimes, he's left handed. I mean, right? He's not ambidextrous. There's two of him. One left handed, one right handed. And neither of them can play the bass, right?"

Brian also noted that no-one has ever claimed to have found a lost recording or a secret demo by Ringo Star since this would be just too hard to believe.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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