London, England - The world premiere of the new James Bond film in London's Leicester Square was marred by revelations that human remains have been discovered on the film's set.
Quantum of Solace stars Daniel Craig and Judi Dench were strutting their stuff on the red carpet outside the cinema on opening night when celebrity reporters, Joan and Melissa Rivers, accosted them with the allegations.
Joan Rivers called out to Dame Dench, "Judi, don't you think you're showing way too much wrinkly boobs in that low-cut dress for a woman of 90? 'M' doesn't stand for mammary glands, you know."
"And don't say it's a wardrobe malfunction," nasaled in Melissa. "Q wasn't even in the film."
When Daniel Craig gallantly came to Dench's aid by fondling one of her quite exposed breasts for the hungry paparazzi, Rivers shot out, "Is that how you got the part, Daniel? I'm shaken but not stirred, believe me."
Now that Rivers and her snippy daughter had gotten the attention of Craig and Dench in front of all the paparazzi, she went in for the kill.
"So, what's this rumour about the police finding human body parts on the movie set? Is it true?"
The shocking revelation had immediate visible effects on both stars, with Dench's perky breasts suddenly sagging and heading south, and Craig wincing as his scrotum headed north.
"Well? Fess up!" demanded Rivers to the clearly shaken stars.
Pinewood Studios chief, Rakin Moolah, quickly appeared on the scene and attempted to control the situation.
"Thanks for asking that question Joan," asserted a smiling Moolah, whilst muttering, "You washed-up has-been bitch" under his breath.
"It is true that the police have been to Pinewood Studios to investigate reports of human body parts on the Quantum of Solace set. Apparently they found teeth and what appears to be a penis," confessed Mr Moolah.
"But I can assure you, Joan, there was no foul play involved, and all of our cast and crew have been accounted for, except for Le Chiffre, but he deserved it."
Moolah then hastily ushered his two money-making machines away from barracuda Rivers and her spawn and whisked them into the cinema.
Always aiming for the last word, Rivers proclaimed to the cameras and horrified onlookers, "Live from London, you heard it first from Joan and Melissa. The police are closing in on main suspects, Daniel Craig and Judi Dench, following the discovery of human body parts on the Quantum of Solace set."
"This may be both the opening night and closing night for Quantum of Solace, and the end of all future James Bond films as well," chimed in Melissa, sounding half-British.
However, following further forensic tests at MI5 and Scotland Yard, the investigation of human remains on the Bond set drew to an unsurprising and anti-climatic conclusion, much like the film itself.
Dr Sanguine Fleisch, chief forensic pathologist with MI5, presented her results at a recent press conference held outside the Bodyworks exhibition.
"We have examined the teeth and bones found on the Quantum of Solace film set," shared Dr Fleisch, wiping some salivation from the corner of her mouth. "I can report that there was no foul play involved."
"As it turned out, the teeth were actually a set of dentures belonging to Judi Dench. We did a background check, and she changed her name from Judi Denture to Judi Dench some time ago."
"As for the severed penis, this was more difficult to establish. It was quite long and hard," shared a palpitating Dr Fleisch. "We tried to match it against human samples for all males connected to the James Bond film, including Daniel Craig, but there wasn't even a close match."
"Then Daniel Craig came forward and admitted it was his penis. Well, not exactly his penis, but it was a donkey penis he had bought in China to consume as a potency drug for his steamy scenes in the film," explained Dr Fleisch, adding that the investigation was now concluded.
"It's true," admitted a buoyant Craig, in a subsequent interview with Joan Rivers. "Compared to Viagra, donkey penises are cheap as chips."