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Tuesday, 28 October 2008

image for BBC Sachs Russell Brand & Jonathan Ross
"It's the nose that made me think of it" quipped Andrew Sachs after naming his hamster after Jonathan Ross

London, England - The BBC has sacked top-paid presenters Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross following overwhelming public complaints against the pair for recent on-air inappropriate behaviour.

Pranksters Brand and Ross had made controversial on-air phone calls to veteran actor Andrew Sachs who played belittled Spanish waiter Manuel in the BBC classic 1970s comedy series Faulty Towers.

In the calls, Brand suggested he had slept with Sachs' granddaughter, aspiring actress Georgina Baillie, prompting Sachs to become suicidal. Ms Baillie is a member of a burlesque troop called Satanic Sluts.

Sachs, who still today retains much of Manuel's dim-witted Spanish waiter persona and poor command of English, spoke out to the press.

"My English is very good! I learn it from a book!" proudly announced Mr Sachs, crouched down behind the reception desk, confusing several reporters who only saw a stuffed moose head hanging on the wall and assumed it was the moose speaking to them.

Emerging into view, Sachs continued, "I was forever bullied and harassed by Basil in Faulty Towers, but this bullying by Brand and Ross is even worse than constantly being hit in the forehead with a spoon or with a metal frying pan. What is the BBC coming to?"

When asked by one BBC reporter why he had put up with such abuse, Sachs responded, "¿Qué?"

Repeating the question but still not getting through, the frustrated BBC reporter then set Sachs' clothes on fire and locked him into a burning kitchen, effectively ending the interview.

Both Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand had tried to head off being sacked for their antics by issuing personal apologies.

Jonathan Ross, who is paid an obscene £18 million by the public subscription BBC for his sub-optimal contributions, offered this contrite apology to Sachs.

"I am truly sorry and apologetic for any harm caused by my insensitive behaviour directed towards Mr Sachs and his granddaughter. To insult someone needlessly for a cheap laugh is one thing, but to do it for an £18 million laugh at the taxpayer's expense is really funny."

Russell Brand's agent, Sly Slither quickly followed suit with the following statement. "Mr Brand pleads innocent by reason of diminished capacity. Like Manuel, he may have been hit on the head one too many times with a metal frying pan at some point in his past career with the BBC."

Slither continued, "We are studying old tapes to determine this possibility. In the meantime, Russell would like to offer his apology to Satanic Slut, Georgina Baillie, personally, and is willing to meet her backstage after her next show."

Unfortunately for Brand and Ross, the furore evoked by their cocky and shameless behaviour has not been contained by their apologies, and both have now been sacked by the BBC.

BBC spokesperson, Fiona the Bruce, announced the decision to fire the pair of them. According to the Bruce, everyone at the Beeb is fed up with their self-serving shenanigans.

"The BBC is world-renowned for its sterling example of quality broadcasting," stated the Bruce. "Belittling poor Manuel like that is intolerable and something the BBC would never stand for. Who does Ross think he is, John Cleese?"

"And as for that self-confessed perv, Russell Brand, he can just pack up his tattered career right now and try to sell off his ridiculous costumes on eBay or Antiques Roadshow," spat out a venomous Fiona the Bruce, raising one eyebrow for emphasis.

Andrew Sachs however, ever-true to his ingratiated character Manuel the waiter, thanked both Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross for once again shining the spotlight on him after all these years.

"¿Qué? No problemo! All is forgiven. I shall name my pet hamsters 'Jonathan' and 'Russell' in their honour," said Sachs, who also offered to give Jonathan Ross free speech coaching lessons as well.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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