Written by Ace Ventura
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Friday, 24 October 2008

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We've all heard that some people keep their self pure until marriage. But one Thaddeus B. Jerkwell takes that to a whole other level.

Mr. Jerkwell is ninety years old. In the small town of Winchester, Kansas where everyone and their Mum's have a Winchester Shotgun. Thaddeus has been diagnosed with Celibacy-rules-Itis. Mr. Jerkwell is expected to live till the first time he has sex.

Mr. Jerkwell who is the last in the Jerkwell Line, a very prestigious family indeed, owner of Jerkwell Shipping and Jerkwell Industries. The Jerkwell fortune is expected to be in the billions.

Thaddeus who was expected at a young age to be a playboy did not chase girls, instead working hard for the family business so much so that he could never have sex and father the next in the Jerkwell line.

He has no siblings, cousins first or sixth and now is the last person dependent upon making an heir. Jerkwell is now courting some of the most high-profile names in the country from the very innocent virgin daughter of Bruce Wayne, Kate Wayne to the lowest of the low Paris Hilton.

Many are after the Jerkwell fortune but Thaddeus now has to chose the most fertile and trust-worthy woman for he can only do it once before he dies and he must impregnate a woman.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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