Andrew Lloyd Webber, that creepy-looking bloke on the telly, has revealed that he is to write the UK entry for the Eurovision Song Contest, and is to help select someone to sing it from the millions of ordinary, unwashed, talentless individuals currently walking the streets.
The competition to find a winner will be screened as a new BBC Saturday teatime show, Your Country Needs You.
Lloyd Webber, or is that just 'Webber', noticed one day, whilst sitting on his leather Chesterfield sofa, that, Eurovision-wise, the UK hadn't done very well in recent years, and resolved to put that anomaly straight. He has enlisted the help of the BBC's resident gay chappy, Graham Norton, to help him in his quest.
Entry for the competition is through a form on the BBC website, although it's thought that this might prevent some of the better singers from entering, as many of them can't read or write.
Webber, who can neither read nor write - nor eat, unless he is fed by a third party with a spoon - said on the site:
"It's a big project I'm undertaking. I fully realise that we will get hundreds of thousands af bathtime singers and bus-queue warblers entering, but I alone will take on the responsibilty for sorting the wheat from the chaff.
"In my life I have never shied away from the impossible although this does look like the biggest mission impossible of all time.
"But with the might of the BBC and the British public behind me (not to mention Graham Norton) who knows what will happen?"
The UK entry last year was sung by X-Factor finalist Andy Abrahams. It came last.