Written by The Big C O Jones
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Saturday, 18 October 2008

image for Strictly star Forsite lives at 80
'Loved those Smarties'...Adolf Hitler

The world of light entertainment was shocked today by the announcement that veteran coffin dodger Brucie Forsite (80) was fit and well this morning and able to patronise amateur golfers at the Royal and Ancient St. Andrews pitch n' putt course for toddlers and the mentally insane.

Rumours had been running amok in god awful reality TV bandwagon ballroom dancing circles that 98 year old Forsite was in good health and determined to annoy the crap out of us with lame-arsed 50's TV 'gags' and pitiful attempts at so-called tap dancing for many years to come.

Forsite (47), who's catchphrases include 'Nice to see you....but don't outstay your welcome' and 'Oh for fu*ks sake, it's only guessing whether a card is higher or lower' is currently a hostile witness in the divorce case of gangly professional northerners Vernin Kite and the blonde one that you wouldn't kick out of the sack after a few beers who co-hosts that sparkly gathering of z-list nob-ends. It has been reported that the bitter resentment and venomous verbal sparring Forsite has engaged in with the sickening couple during this 10 year court battle is what has kept the old sod codging along recently.

Speaking earlier today, Strictly judge Glen Goodyear wept tears of blood as he heard this unexpected news 'It's unexpected' he said before turning into a bat and flying off into a cave. When asked, Forsite's agent remarked 'Why the fu*k are you tosspots calling me at 3am in the morning asking about that wrinkly bag of bones....he'll outlive the friggin' lot of us him....he's a mean old bast*rd and I've always hated him....but hey, it's 10 percent'.

Fears were recently confirmed that the annoying star will be able to continue 'undertaining the nation' when a special crane was bought by the BBBC that lowers the carbon dated Forsite (578) into his famous silhouette strongman pose which originated in 1932 when he was due on stage at a Royal Command performance of his 'Ugly Big Chinned Mo'Fo on Tour' routine in front of HRH King Richard III, God Almighty, the Krankies, Dot Cotton from EastEnders and the corpse of Adolf Hitler. '...as I came on stage, I just had to let rip a massive fart' we thought Brucie may have said at the time '...and the only way that little beauty was slipping out was in that pose...they loved it and the rest is history'.

'It's a sad day for us all' said numerous talented potential stars who are consistently being blocked by nostalgia blinded TV execs '...when a skeletal combination of Botox injections and polyfilla is keeping the boundaries of entertainment well and truly stifled'.

Forsite will be remembered for hosting numerous television quiz shows, wearing terrible wigs, at one time being the prime suspect in the case of the Yorkshire Ripper and holding 'Smartie Parties' for locals at his holiday home in Rhyl.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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