London - (Silly Ass Mess): Guy Ritchie has blamed his wife's Kabbalistic 'fountain of youth' implants for the failure of their seven year marriage.
The surgical procedure was conducted during the cosmic influence of the Gemini full moon last December targeting the singer's mouth, reproductive organs and anus.
Ritchie has griped that traditional Kabbala teaching 'eschews ritual oral, vaginal and anal penetration by one's twenty-something plastic surgeon' as a fallacious short-cut on the road to the divorce courts.
"As for the miraculous rejuvenation properties of smeared semen versus a double lobotomy-cum facelift, well that's a no-brainer!" the Lock, Cock and Laughing Stock director said today.
The singer hit back at the story claiming the couple's 2000 Skibo Castle wedding was hexed and her nuptial night 'was ghosted by some drunk' subsequently responsible for a string of phantom pregnancies.
Credit crunch-impoverished divorce lawyers are cock-a-hoop.