Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Monday, 13 October 2008

image for Ringo sick of being a Beatle, tells fans to p*ss off
"I am not a Beatle," insists Beatle Ringo Starr.

Ringo, the 68-year-old 'former Beatle' and their forty-fifth choice for drummer, forcefully told reporters yesterday to stop referring to him as 'former Beatle' when referring to him in the news.

"You people do realize The Beatles broke up in 1970, right? The group completely stopped touring and making albums, we just went totally cold-turkey. The Beatles haven't released a bloody thing in nearly forty years. Some of us are even dead.

Now, I've been Mr. Nice Guy and signed your Beatles crap but that's gonna stop - right now," said the irate Liverpool native who, when asked last week to name one nice thing about his hometown, was unable to think of anything.

Fab Four fans worldwide were stunned by the non-Beatle's announcement.

Ringo's publicity office issued a clarification before shutting down their offices: "As of midnight tonight, all panties, letters or album covers handed to the former you-know-what for autographing will be chucked into the bin.

"Also no longer tolerated: stalking, kissing, groping, stealing his stuff to sell on eBay or lame jokes about his nose."

Still, there are indications that the 'fan ban' may not be entirely comprehensive. When one reporter asked the former you-know-what how he felt about random offers of sex from young, sexy fans like herself, the former Beatle said fuck-all.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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