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Tuesday, 1 June 2004

image for This Week's Gossip Roundup…Hair's to Donald; Those Crazy Talented Jacksons…
All for Donald...bwooohahahah!

In a surprise move, business mogul and reality television star Donald Trump, has filed a petition with the United States Patent and Trademark Office seeking to trademark bad hair. Trump claims his name has become synonymous with bad hair since he became a household name back in the mid 1980s. Should Trump prevail, every person who has bad hair would be required to shave his or her head, or submit to having his or her wages garnished to pay for use of his trademarked style. Trump has stated that this, combined with his similar attempts to seek payment from anyone who utters the phrase "you're fired" are part of Trump's efforts to be the first person crowned both world's richest man and world's most evil bastard.

Scientists at the University of California Berkeley have derived a formula that proves once and for all that the total talent quotient (TTQ) possessed by a member of the Jackson family is inversely proportional to that person's relative sanity index (RSI). Each measurement is based on a scale of 1 to 10, and the two numbers are exactly inversely proportional, invariably providing the outcome of TTQ + RSI = 10, that is, if the TTQ is 6, the RSI must be 4. Michael was shown to have a TTQ of 9.5 and an RSI of only .5, making him the most talented and least sane Jackson. Janet followed closely behind with a TTQ of 8 and an RSI of 2. LaToya split the results right down the middle with a 5 for each number, and surprisingly, Tito was named the most sane and least talented with a TTQ of 1 and an RSI of 9. The scientists behind the study have now turned their efforts to proving an inverse link between the levels of talent and fame of the Baldwin brothers.

In news of the supernatural, Nobel Prize winning author John Steinbeck has risen from the dead just long enough to release the following statement, before disappearing back into oblivion, "Ladies and Gentlemen of the press, I am the late John Steinbeck, and I just wanted everyone to know that if they remake ‘Of Mice and Men' again, I want George W. Bush to play Lennie, as he's exactly what I had in mind when I wrote it."

Tom Cruise and Mike Piazza have issued a joint press release stating that neither man is gay, and that it wasn't them you saw making out, that is to say if you saw anything that looked like two men, who might have sort have looked like Tom and/or Mike, doing something that looked like making out, because they didn't make out, it wasn't them you saw, and that wasn't what they were doing when you didn't see them, and besides, even if they were gay, which they're not, they wouldn't be each other's type, okay? So stop saying they're gay, or Tom's lawyer will come after you. So far the Spoof has been unable to locate anyone who claimed either man was gay, so we still aren't sure what the press release was in response to.

U.S. President George W. Bush has announced that he is granting statehood to the White House, making it and its residents the 51st state. The new state of "White House" will be granted 539 electoral votes, or just one more than ½ of the 1,077 electoral votes that exist throughout the entire United States.

Macauly Culkin has announced plans to reprise his role in the Home Alone series, this time however his adventures will play out on the small screen in the upcoming reality television series "Home Alone: The Adult Years". The show will simply have a bunch of cameras set up in Macauly's home to show what he does when he is home alone. Culkin says he can't reveal much of the show's content, but that fans should expect to see chronic masturbating and a fair amount of crying and other self-loathing behavior.

The Pepsi-Cola company has announced its plans to cash in on the low carb Atkins craze, by introducing a bacon flavored cola…Pepsi Bacon will have 0 net carbs and a distinct bacony flavor according to company spokesmen.

And finally, what weekly gossip roundup would be complete without the obligatory Courtney Love story? This week she makes news by not making any news. For the first time since reaching puberty, Courtney Love did not once bare her breasts in public. A spokesman for Love tried to downplay the situation, but he was cold-cocked by the haggard songstress, who proceeded to blast the assembled press conference with a 5-minute tirade of slurred profanity. In the only intelligible portion of the interview, it was revealed that Courtney had planned on taking out her tits on several occasions last week, but was passed out unconscious for the better part of a week in some guitar player's basement in New Jersey. Courtney then proceeded to put on a live sex show using an umbrella stand as her ‘partner'. The ballroom where the press conference was held will be closed until further notice while employees do their best to remove the smell of vomit.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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