Written by Rusty
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Topics: TV, torture, Channel 5

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

image for Unbreakable Contestants Sue Channel Five
"Just get that Great Dane outa my Aaaahhhssss!"

The Channel Five mega viewer-pulling sadistic reality television show 'Unbreakable' is being sued in a class action suit by a group of masochistic celebrity contestants after several actually ended up 'Broken'.

Ross Crunt, who plays the resident hardman character 'Fuckwit' in the BBC's popular 'Bellenders' series, was hospitalised after a live porcupine was rammed up his rear passage in a recent Unbreakable episode, and swallowing four gallons of syrup of figs, plus undergoing a bisacodyl laxative enema, failed to force it out again.

Consulting proctologist Dr. Arthur Turdprodder advised Crunt that it was a thing he was going to have to learn to live with, a bit like a tapeworm with spines.

Chantelle Slagrat, the celebrity slapper presenter of More 4's popular weekend 'Get Yer Tits Out' quiz show, contracted a virulent dose of incurable reptilian clap when she was restrained in a leather bondage harness and forced to copulate with an alligator in Unbreakable's 'Shag a Croc' feature.

Transvestite star of Sky Digital's "Bollocks or Boobs", Sinead Slackbladder, a former jockstrap model, had the nipples of her / his (?) massive hormone-induced 42 DD breasts bitten off during a frantic naked swim across a pool of piranha-infested custard while being harassed by machine-gun fire.

Celebrity stuntman Lenny Dorkmonger, an ex-aardvark juggler from Luton-on-Sea, ended up in a wheelchair after his attempt to complete Unbreakable's Cambodian Hopscotch challenge resulted in him treading on several landmines and requiring a new pair of feet.

Sir Dinsdale Killjoy, Chairperson of the UK's television watchdog body Ofcom, told media reporters that "Unbreakable's own promotional motto of "Pain is great to watch" is, in itself, a damning indictment and sufficient reason for banning the programme. The show's content is simply unacceptable to be broadcast during Childrens' Hour or have excerpts shown on Blue Peter."

He further commented "How can successive batches of eight people be so stupid and driven to compete, and claim their five minutes of global fame, that they'll stand next to an exploding mongoose, get shit on from a dizzy height by a set of dysentery-stricken badgers, then drink the contents of a Turkish urinal for no more than Pride and to prove to themselves that Pain is Glory."

Lionel Hugefee QC, barrister for the claimants, when interviewed by reporters for his opinion on why the contestants volunteered for the show, replied "Who might accurately assess the mental aberrations of lunatics, apart from the fact they're totally fucked in the head.

"If they had another brain cell between them, I venture it would die of loneliness.

"However, for me personally, it's the perfect money-spinning transition from entertainment to sado-masochism, and a most lucrative piece of litigation."

The class action suit to sue Unbreakable was organised and filed by actress Rachel Snott, who played the alluring and mysterious 'Glenda Wankrat' in Sky's long-running soap opera 'Smegmadale'.

The sexy artiste was a guest contestant on Unbreakable earlier this year.

After agreeing with a dare to be locked in a pillory with a sack over her head, she was debagged and buggered by Bonker, the programme producer's Great Dane.

This provoked bouts of hilarious delight and laughter from the studio audience who gathered round and pulled the sack off her head then poked her eyes out with sharp sticks while urinating on her feet.

Tristan Madeupname, a former Big Issue salesperson, and now the leading character actor in the BBC4 period extravaganza 'Beachy Head Revisited', suffered a nervous breakdown and caught a rare type of medieval plague when he appeared on Unbreakable.

"I gets strapped down on a scaffolding plank set between two chairs like, wiv me 'ead tilted back", Tristan informed reporters. "It's gonna be a waterboardin' session, I sez to meself. I can 'andle that real easy cos it'd be good for me tough guy actin' image on the telly like, innit eh.

"Anyways, I'm lyin' there all 'elpless like, just waitin' for a couple of the resident thugs to shove a towel across me face an' start pourin' water over it. Next thing in walks Jade fuckin' Goody, leans over and shoves 'er bleedin' tongue down me throat, then hitches 'er skirt up, spreads 'er legs an' jams 'er crotch right over me face an' sez "Eat me, bitch boy."

"I ain't kiddin' mate, it woz bleedin' 'orrible. I've muffed plenty of slappers and some evil snatch in me time but this was worse than fuckin' gross. Just as she spreads 'er thighs over me face about 'alf a dozen bats flew out of 'er cunt, then she's got 'old of me 'air and jams' me gob right up against 'er twat like.

"Next thing I'm bleedin' suffocatin' cos me 'ead's right inside 'er stinkin' cunt.

"It's all womb, gloom an' effin' doom from where I'm at.

"I'm just about to pass out wiv 'avin' me face rammed against 'er G-spot when she 'as an orgasm and pulls me 'ead out an' I'm covered in slime and retchin' out a gobfull of bleedin' maggots.

"I reckons I'm gonna be in therapy for effin' years after that experience."

A Channel Five spokesman told the media that all the challenges were supervised by torture experts from Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq and doubly reviewed by the programme's resident medical specialists from the Harold Shipman Institute for Medical Excellence.

He further explained that all the volunteers had a full mental assessment before participating in the show to certify they were already brain dead.

It was announced today that the scheduled Nazi Holiday feature of the show, in which contestants would be gassed with Xyclon B while taking a shower, and then cremated, has been put on hold until next year.

Allergy warning : this article may contain traces of sado-masochism as it was written according to the grammatical dictates of the Spanish Inquisition.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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