Written by DJR
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Topics: Hollywood, suicide

Monday, 31 May 2004

image for George Lucas Commits Suicide

May 31, 2004 (Hollywood, CA) -

This morning, police found the lifeless body of director George Lucas at the Skywalker Ranch facility. Next to his body was a .44 magnum pistol with one chamber empty. He died of a bullet wound to his left temple.

Lucas' friend, Steven Spielberg, is surprisingly not shocked by the tragedy. He had a feeling this would happen sooner or later.

"It all started about a year ago," Spielberg says. "After I graduated from a filmmaking course, I think George felt a little upstaged. Kind of a, 'Oh, you think you care more about the craft than I do?' kind of thing. A month after I graduated, he took a writing class. At the end of the term, he turned in his draft of the 'Star Wars - Episode 3' script to his professor. He got an F on it. His professor wrote below the F, in red ink, 'Maybe you should take up pottery or something.' One of George's classmates... I think his name was Brian, saw George crying at his desk and asked him what was wrong. George showed him the paper. Brian laughed and started to read pieces of dialogue to the rest of the class and they all started to crack up. George ran home hysterical crying, locked his door and wouldn't come out. Then he kills himself. I gotta admit, I'm not surprised."

Apparently, this was the first time anyone had ever critiqued one of George Lucas' scripts before he made a film out of it. His assistant said that during the shooting of Episodes 1 & 2, some of the crew were laughing behind his back between takes.

"That scene between Hayden (Christiansen) and Natalie (Portman) was a real knee-slapper," says key grip John Warner. "What the hell was he thinking? 'I don't like the sand. It's rough and coarse, not like your skin.' Ha! What a maroon. Good laugh, though."

Twentieth Century Fox Studios now owns all rights to Lucas' "Star Wars" series and will release the original theatrical versions of Episodes 4-6 on DVD as soon as possible. Sales of the upcoming Special Editions are expected to be disappointing since they suck so bad.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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