Written by bkkRon
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Topics: Music, Kids

Monday, 31 May 2004

BANGKOK, Thailand -- Shiny, new pop music group, Spoiled Thai Kids, announced their formation featuring four stylish, self-obsessed, rich, ignorant Thai teens, with otherwise low prospects for any type of personal achievement in their lifetimes.

They make public their formation without so much as a sample of the "music" they "plan" to produce in the "near future." Sounding very much like an Asian version of the talent-free Spice Girls of the previous century, Spoiled Thai Kids seeks to capitalize on a trend rather than on actually releasing anything worth buying.

Although they avoided giving themselves specific names such as Sporty or Posh (or Sleepy or Dopey or Skanky), their released bios included helpful details in parentheses so that we, the LCDs that we are (that's lowest common denominators) would be able to identify them when they stand in all their decked out glory before us at an upcoming press conference (yet to be announced).

The revealed cover and insert of their soon-to-be-released CD of 10 tracks (probably inadvertently) listed the writers and musicians of all the songs, and only one of the four introduced members of STK appear in the credits.

STKs feature:

Mint (the cute one, [suffice it to say they're Thai teens; they're all cute, just not "officially," this reporter guesses])

According to myth (remember, we haven't seen them perform), Mint sings, dances, plays the keyboard and does absolutely none of the song writing, choreography, or indeed playing of the keyboard on any of the tracks on the upcoming CD.

Stick (the guy [there's only one, but sometimes it's hard to tell])

Many Thai kids of today have weird nicknames but we don't know if "Stick" was the one given by his mother or by the kids in school who received a daily beating for mocking his super-gelled hair. Stick is the only member credited as a co-songwriter for two of the songs on the CD. But, although he sings and dances, and who doesn't these days, he plays no instruments.

Gift (the nice girl, [One is "cute," one is "nice;" wow, the marketers must've been working overtime! Q: Is the nice one ugly?])

Gift sings and dances (are you getting the picture yet?) and does nothing else. Remember, she's nice. Her bio states the one interesting bit of news gleaned from this whole staged, hyped outing (and also interesting that they inform us of this): Gift is the niece of Thai-award-winning-and-long-term-superstar, Thongchai Bird McIntyre. Hmm… (chin rubbing ensues).

Somsom (the skinny girl, [What?! A skinny girl in Thailand? Where? Oh…everywhere. Well, here's one more. Or actually, here are three more, and one skinny guy. Again, how can you tell who's who? This is supposed to help?!]

Separate from the pride Somsom must feel for her automatic candidacy for Miss Anorexia Nervosa (there must be such a pageant; there's one for everything else), she can also boast about her singing and dancing skills. Big surprise.

Somebody put a lot of thought into these pop biographies that are supposed to get the eight to nine year-olds worked up into a frenzy. We, the mass-media- and pop-culture-loving public, eagerly await.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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