Written by Stefano M. Stefano
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Wednesday, 1 October 2008

image for The New Face Of Cover Girl Is...Ellen Degeneres?!
Ellen Degeneres - It's marvellous what a bit of touching up can do, she looks like a completely different person.

Unbelievably, Cover Girl cosmetics has selected comediene/talkshow host/boob-squeazer Ellen Degeneres as their latest spokeswoman, er, spokesperson, er, spokeswhatever.

"We realised that we weren't cornering the funny, middle-aged, boyish, married lesbian market," a media spokeswoman told me. "So Ellen was a natural! She's 50 years old, looks like your weird, unmarried Uncle Brian, and she recently married Portia de Rossi, so we all thought, what the hell! Let's do this!"

Asked why they even did this, when the actual name of the product line is 'Cover Girl', and Ellen hasn't been a 'girl' for 30 years (or maybe never), the spokesperson replied with some embarrassment,

"Well, there was this all-night party, see, and the girls and I went a little crazy on Cosmopolitans, and called Ellen up as a joke. The next thing we know we've faxed her a contract, and the crazy broad has signed it! So...we're stuck with her for the next 10 years as a Cover Girl girl. Ugh."

Not to be outdone, the competition caught wind of this controversial move, and selected their own unique spokespersons.

Expect to see Doris Roberts (aka, Ray's mother, Marie, from 'Everybody Loves Raymond') as the new face of Revlon, Michael Jackson as the new face of Clinque (probably because of all his time spent in plastic surgery clinics), and Patrick Stewart for Head And Shoulders shampoo.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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