The Hadron Collider, that machine that was built to recreate the conditions just after the Big Bang, has been stolen, and has fallen into the hands of that arch-villain from the James Bond films, Ernst Blojob.
That's the storyline of the brand new James Bond film I've Got A Hard-on Collider In My 'Back Garden'.
The real-life Collider was cited on the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, but in the film, it's near Tokyo, and Bond, played by newcomer Paul O'Grady (Lily Savage, Blankety Blank, Fuck All Else) can be seen poncing around Ginza trying to locate the Collider, whilst all the time being stalked by deadly 'hitman' Paws, played by Dale Winton (Dale's Supermarket Sweep, Pets Win Prizes, National Lottery, Bender).
Gayboy TV host Graham Norton stars as Paws boss, Ernst Stavro Blojob, in the first gay incarnation of the pussy-stroking villain. Blojob wants the Collider to recreate the conditions on Earth just after the Big Gang Bang, and will stop at nothing to get his hands on it (laughs).
One remarkable thing to note about this 007 adventure, is that there is no sexy female interest, the producers having decided that Ian Fleming had considered making James Bond a homosexual, and certainly Roger Moore's representation of the MI6 agent is rather camp.
The movie continues the tradition of fast action-packed adventure with incredible stunts and gadgetry, but no male chauvinist punnery and definitely no womanising, just poofery and a distasteful bumming scene.
The film opens in London in January.
Watch it if you must, but, please, leave the kids at home.