Written by James Sant
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Wednesday, 24 September 2008

image for "I Kill Hamsters for Fun" says Britton
But...I love you! *squeak*

Daytime TV favourite Fern Britton has stunned viewers with the revelation that she likes to kill hamsters for pleasure.

The bombshell comes just days after her recent dramatic weight loss was revealed to be nothing more than an illusion created by bendy mirrors. An undercover reported infiltrated the studios of This Morning and sent back disturbing pictures of Fern standing in front of what appear to be funfair mirror while being filmed.

"The crew have been sworn to secrecy" said the reporter, "They've heard what Fern is capable of, and are scared that when she runs out of hamsters she will turn her attention to them."

A runner for the BBC who wishes to remain anonymous said;

"All day long she had me running back and forward to the pet shop. I thought she'd get bored after the first 5 or 6, but she was insatiable. I still have nightmares."

Fern chose to acknowledge her problem live on air after the adverts finished early and millions of viewers witnessed her crushing rodents with her high heels, while Philip Schofield tried in vain to hold her back.

"It all started with Gordon the Gopher", said Fern, "For years I watched 'Going Live', all the while wishing that Philip Schofield's hand would be up MY arse, and this level of jealousy and hatred towards the furry midget built up that I just couldn't control. Now if something simply looks like Gordon it sends me into a rage, and the only way I can calm down is to squash it."

Antony Worrall Thompson and Bill Oddie have since been placed under 24 hour police protection.

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