Over-paid TV bosses have finally listened to the public and have agreed to bring back "titty humour'. In a bid to boost the ratings of flagging TV programmes the ludicrous 'political correctness' ban has now been lifted.
Pitiful 'reality tv' shows, that incidentally broadcast nothing but titty and smut have been recently getting the thumbs-down from UK TV viewers. The decline in ratings has instigated 'out of touch' TV executives to 'can' the bulk of its "shit-stain' reality programmes.
'Middle class tosser speaks'
The self-righteous 'eighties' saw the decline of traditional British humour in favour of 'alternative' comedy. "The middle-classes were allowed to sneak in the backdoor" says self-proclaimed media expert 'Paul Ross'.
'My brother has a lisp and the looks'
The brother of Jonathan added "the middle classes such as myself were marginalised by traditional UK TV which was monopolised by the hoi polloi, but we booted out all the working class fuckers in the eighties and TV changed for the worse".
'Brothers Lee, Grumbleweeds and Russ Abbott's Madhouse'
A member of the Grumbleweeds added " we used to do some crackin TV shows, but then all these posh wankers on TV started calling us sexist, racist, fascist, nutritionist and all other sort of big words that were from the south"
'The Baron Knights Were Great'
Reg Varney former star of "On the Buses" punched his fist in the air, hearing of the news. "Leering at women, nipping into their houses when their husbands were at work to have nookie, while driving my bus was the best thing on British TV but the toffs changed it all for me"
'Mind Your Language' To Be Repeated
Robin Askwith the former popstar, holiday rep and cleaner of windows was in firm agreement with TV bosses " I shagged woman for the British Public, everyone liked to see me getting my end away in the seventies. But the the toffs from Universities accused me of being sexist and booted my pumping arse off the telly".
'Love Thy Neighbour' was not Racist says 'alleged white honky' Nick Griffin
Sadly the News was too late for Benny Hill, Sid James and Kenny Everitt. They are expected to get 'Royal Pardons' and an apology from the home secretary.
'Babs better looking than Dolly Parton Shocker'
Babs Windsor famous for her 'comedy titties' said her dead pals would all be "ecstatic"and welcomes the return of "titty television".
'Captain Peacock's totty lashes out'
Babs' Fellow 'Eastender' co-star Wendy Richard also known for her 'comedy titties' said "my titties are not as firm as they use to be, but if there is a need for 'mature comedy bristols' my pal Babs has a run for her money from me".
'Political-Correctness was Scam says Top TV Men'
TV bosses are hoping to give TV back to the working classes as the middle-classes have simply fucked it up in the last twenty-years. Using 'reality tv' to laugh at more working-class, women, minorities, gays and disabled than the combined cast of the 'Comedians' put together.
'TV Ainsley not happy with new direction of TV'
Professional TV black-man and cook Ainsley Harriot waved his hands in the air, rolled his eyes and said "Lordy, Lordy I hope dey don't bring back de black and white minstrel show it was so degrading to black folk". He then dropped to one knee and sang 'ole man riber' with fellow TV black-man Howard Brown, who dances to anything including 'white noise'. The pair then linked arms and skipped off singing 'zipedee doodah, zipedee day'.
'Jim Davidson confused for the last twenty years'
'Disgraced for no reason' comedian Jim 'nick-nick' Davidson stared at the pair of 'chocolate buffoons' and exclaimed "please tell me why I am not on TV".
What would you like to see returned to our screens on 'Prime Time' TV now all is forgiven
Here is our reader's poll so far...
1% Little and Large Show
1.5% The Grumbleweeds
2% Terry and June
10% To Death Do Us Part
11% Mind Your Language
12% Curry and Chips
29% The Dick Emery Show
31% The Les Dawson Show
39 % The Comedians
40% Cannon and Ball
60% Russ Abbots Madhouse
71% It Aint Half Hot Mum
73% The Black and White Minstrel Show (with Rod Hull and Emu)
80% Seaside Special (with Roy Hudd)
89% Billy Smart's Circus (with real animals please. Yes we want tricycle riding,tea drinking chimps in human clothes)
90% Love Thy Neighbour
92% The Krankies ( with Bernie Clifton)
93% The Bernard Manning Show
94% Nearest and Dearest
98% On the Buses
99% The Grumbleweeds (With Mary Chipperfield man-handling uppity, tricycle-riding, tea dinking chimps in human clothes
99% Jimmy Cricket Show
99% Kenny Everitt Show
100% The Mary Chipperfield Circus
100% Public Hanging
200% The Benny Hill Show