Phil "Aled/Tom" Jones the UK producer of a pot-boiling Reality TV shows, such as "Big Bruvver Litle Sista " has revealed he is to star in a new "piss-stain" of a reality TV show.
"Piss-Poor pun for a TV programme"
"House of the Rising Gun" sees Mr Jones 41 years old in front of the camera for most of his new show. The greying, balding, sexually appealing media mogul and TV wizard came up with the idea after all 500 staff members at his other Reality TV shows said they would "like to have his babies" in a poll conducted "fairly" by Mr Jones.
Inspired by fellow crinkly Simon Cowell receiving a "fan" letter from a half-dead delirious woman in Acton. Tasty Phil believes with his receding hairline and growing waistline he will become the next middle class, middle aged and mediocre white male " professional reality tv star" and he intends to knock "busty" Simon Cowell of his podium.
"Contestants must be prepared to Die"
Mr "sex-bomb" Jones decided to set the show in Japan after watching the cult movie "OLD BOY". The sexually arousing producer stated the laws in Japan are "piss poor" and added "I feel it is an apt time in my career for this and right now I really need to be physically killing scum people who offend me".
"Mr Jones Does Not Have A God Complex"
The Show will see contestants share a few words with Fantastic Phillip Jones and if he feels "they bore" him the most "rubbish" ones will be executed.
"Phil is not a Psychopath says his Mum and Friends in the Media"
Jones stated "sometimes I get to shoot the rubbish ones, other times I may get to do a bit of stabbing or lynching , but it depends on how I feel".
"Contestants Line Up To Die"
The genuis producer of "pun-based" shows had a string of hit "pun-based" shows in the late 1990's based on the 1970's show "One Man and his Dog". "Gorge"ous Phil (who will insist on gorging out the eyes of the very ugly on his new hit show) stated the new show would be even better than his other brilliant offerings. How many of them do you remember?
- One Man and his Cog (Educational reality show about men and cogs)
- One boy and his Pog (Entertaining reality show about Pog playing)
- One Man and his Wog (Controversial reality show about Golly Wog collectors)
- One Klan and His Bog (Thought Provoking reality show about a Klansman who owns Bog Land in Kentucky)
- One Man and his WAG (Family reality show about David and Victoria Beckham)
- One Pan and his Egg (Cutting Edge reality show about a man who owns a frying pan that he solely uses for eggs).
- One Man and His Leg (Ground-Breaking reality show where a middle-aged man from Cornwall talks about his leg)
- One Tan and his Fog (Droll reality documentary about very tanned people and their candid opinions on "Fog").
"Oscar Blaketon from the UK TV programme 'Heart Beat'"
The Youthful but ageing Phil is itching to get his fingers on the trigger of his gun or his hands on a blunt instrument to "off" all that offend him. Phil hopes to win an Oscar for his new programme and is "adamant" he will.
" Do you have what it takes to be Killed by Phil?"
Anyone wishing to be Killed by Phil next year in Tokyo Japan should be "over eighteen", "out-going" and "simply have a willingness to die on TV". Phil added he would make all killings fairly swift as the programme is to be shown after "Deal or No Deal" and the Kiddies " will still be up" at "Eight O'clock".
"TV Station Big- Wigs tell us what they think"
Bosses at a UK TV station stated "we are excited at the prospect of seeing Phil "lovely legs" Jones kill on screen. He is a physically desirable man and he appears to be a passionate lover. We believe every man, woman, child and animal will want him after they watch his new 'smash hit' programme".
"Brave Jade Goody Poorly-Sick
Former reality TV show contestant Jade Goody was too ill to comment. So she didn't tell us she was "overcome with joy" we added this ourselves, with our own legal consent.