Written by DJR
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Saturday, 29 May 2004

image for Bruce Campbell: Enough Is Enough
Hail to the king, baby

May 28, 2004 (Hollywood, CA) -

B-movie actor and cult superstar Bruce Campbell held a press conference the other day in Hollywood's Fangoria Forum about some sort of supposed annoyance caused by his loyal fanboys.

Apparently, the actor is displeased with the way he's been getting asked the same questions repeatedly at every single convention he attends. As most fans are aware, the actor always fields questions about his career and tries to answer in the most polite manner possible. However, the man says he can only take so much of the mentally exhausting abuse. His official statement:

"I want to set this straight right now. And I want everyone to pay attention, because there's not going to be any follow-up questions. If you're not ready for this, then too bad. I'm sick of it. For the last, final friggin' time, I don't know if there's going to be an 'Evil Dead 4.' I don't know if Sam Raimi is going to direct it after he completes 'Spider-man 3.' I have no idea what New Line Cinema has in store for the 'Freddy Vs. Jason' sequel. I don't know why 'Brisco County Jr.' isn't available on DVD yet. I have no idea why 'Maniac Cop' is so difficult to find on a region one disc. And for the thousandth goddamn time, don't ask me to say 'workshed' anymore. I appreciate you guys supporting my work, but you all need to get out more. Try rock climbing, rafting, do a little exploring... just get out of your damn houses and stop flooding my e-mail. I don't know what some of you sick bastards might think, but I'm not your buddy. For Christ's sake, after I sign an autograph, ten minutes later, I'll forget your name and face entirely and it's not my fault. So, if you see me three years later eating at Denny's and I don't know who you are, please don't throw your french fries in my face. Get a clue; get a life and everything will be groovy. Thank you."

We asked Bruce's friend, director Sam Raimi, if he shares his buddy's sentiment. His statement:

"Who the hell is Bruce Campbell?"

Yesterday, we called Mr. Campbell for a slim chance of getting a follow-up statement from him. He wasn't home, but we got his answering machine:

"I'm not home right now. No 'Evil Dead 4' yet. You can hang up the phone now."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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