In an audiotape offering a terror truce to European countries that pull their troops from Muslim nations, Osama bin Laden also suggested he might be willing to ease up a little if he could just get a thick juicy steak and a hot shower.
C.I.A. analysts say the tape is probably authentic because they also picked up some chatter indicating the scrawny terrorist is down to his last case of SPAM. However, there is still a 1 percent chance the voice is that of entertainer Pee-Wee Herman.
President Bush issued orders to "smoke him out" and asked whether the tape could in any way be linked to Saddam Hussein. Bush added, "Did he say anything about where the weapons of mass destruction might be hidden?"
Meanwhile, the Humor Gazette released an audiotape carrying the following message: "Attention Osama bin Laden, you murderous sack of maggot dung. Come out of your maggot dung-infested, urine-drenched rat cave with your hands up so we can riddle your gutless scum-carcass with 10,000 virgin bullets, you (five-second delay) hump of rabid dog mess."
The C.I.A. said further evidence of the bin Laden tape's authenticity was that it referred to recent events such as the Easter Bunny plot and President Bush dropping a comic bomb with his jokes about weapons of mass destruction.
"That Bush, he slays me," bin Laden said on his latest tape, released under his new insurgent Muslim extremist hiphop record label, Afghanistan Gangsta. The recording also has a digitally remastered version of "Osama Said Knock You Out."
The C.I.A. would not comment on a rumor it has recruited the rapper 50 Cent to "roll" over to Afghanistan and "off" that "punk-ass terrorist mutha fugga."