Russell Brand has been granted an American Green Card and full American citizenship without even applying for it.
A spokesperson for the American Green Card Office said:
"Well, we appreciate he called our President Bush some rather funny names, and he seemed to have a preference for one of our 2008 Presidential candidates over the other, but hell, we felt this all paled into insignificance when he was joined on stage by the famous, talented, fabulous, incredible, brilliant, great, crucial Paris "Bangkok" Hilton, or to give her the correct technical title, ultra-rich, useless, dim-wit.
"To be able to stand on the same stage as this great woman - or as we in the celebrity trade call her, a total waste of space - without swearing, throwing up or wishing to commit harikiri - is a testament to how fine and upstanding this man, your Russell Brand, really is.
"Most people find that coming into contact with a Paris Hilton or a similar species - I believe you have two in the UK, one called a Tamara Beckwith and and the other a Tara Palmer Tomkinson - makes them violently ill, yet Russell was able to soldier on as if nothing had happened."